View From The Rafters: Week 2

View from the Rafters: Week 2

Welcome back! How’d all your matchups turn ou…god damn it Kenny! 12th place!?

The Loose Ends (Shane) VS Suicidal Bunnies (Justin)

While “Suicidal Bunnies Pulls off Comeback over The Loose Ends “may be the most offensive headline I’ve seen on Yahoo to date, this was a great matchup between two of the league’s offensive juggernauts. The Loose Ends got some big help from Morris, West and Marshall, the latter of which ended up exceeding projection with a deadly 22.80 in Chicago’s win over San Fran.  Earlier in the day, all indications pointed to this guy not playing. Rotoworld said maybe he should be benched.  Yahoo Sports said ‘75% he’s not going’.  Ryan Gainer said ‘That’s terrifying; I’m gonna bench this weak-handed vagina-face for something more certain’.  I missed out on 22.8 points because I called Brandon Marshall a vagina-face. God damn it, good read Shane.  

Unfortunately for The Loose Ends, firing on most cylinders (I’m looking at you, Shithawks!) was not enough to beat the Suicidal Bunnies.  With another monster game from Luck (19.88) and McCoy (16.20)…Jones…Crosby, Cinc…Okay, okay, let me communicate this differently: Pierre Garcon was the only guy on the Suicidal Bunnies who didn’t contribute.  Let’s spend some time degrading him. First, he plays for Washington, who despite my many emails, won’t change their offensive name to any one of these clever alternatives: Washington “Kickbacks”, “Pilgrim-Fighters”, or “Pork Barrels”.  Second, even with Jackson’s injury, Garcon made only one catch for 12 yards in a 41-10 win against the Jags.  Y’know when Pro Bowl teams get together during a game and hike the ball to a sick child for a down?  That child usually gets a touchdown and is all smiles.  Garcon did exceptionally worse with his single opportunity and just pouted for the rest of the day.  The Suicidal Bunnies can afford a sick kid or two on their roster, as the rest have been dominating.

Only Foles rush in (Judy) VS The Crew Sluts (Matt)

Ah, the statistical succubus that is Yahoo point projection totals.  I guess it wasn’t ALL wrong – This was a terribly one-sided matchup, they just mixed up for whom.  Like KFC, DMV, and the CBC, Only Foles had greasy disappointment coming from all angles.  It seems as though the only option for Jackson is to replace the entire Buccaneers cheerleading squad, don pom-poms, hot pants and a taut physique in order to get McCown to notice he’s a viable candidate for doing “The Football”. Another display of the sadface was Jarrett Boykin who went for a paltry 0.60, which as reported by Rotoworld, “…could be a death sentence kind of game for Boykin”. Relax Boykin, Wisconsin abolished the death penalty for all reasons except treason and…oh! Wikipedia footnote adds: “and especially shitty ball handling”.  Uh oh.

The Crew Sluts were an anomaly this week, with New England’s D going over 3 TIMES their projected totals.  I haven’t seen 6 sacks during a game since “Kilts & Fans Fridays” at the Metro Centre!  Through the veil of poor showings by White, Bush and Crowell, The Crew Sluts had some passable relief in the form of RB Jon Stewart and TE Larry Donnell. There were better showings on the bench by Richardson and Johnson, but I understand that ‘Switching’ teammates so close to Adrien Peterson must be a touchy subject and best to avoid it altogether.  

Evil Equestranauts (Jennifer) VS The Bobbum Men (Ryan W.)

“Sproles was simply unstoppable. He had Eagles beat writers calling it one of the best running back performances they'd seen in team history.” Isn’t it messed up that, all of it…All of it, means nothing? The real Sproles is probably bathing in liquor and Ferrero Rocher coated meatsticks, celebrating an absolutely fabulous performance.  CFL Fantasy Sproles, on the other hand, spent the week impersonating Jesse Gainer’s ‘I’m falling asleep but I don’t want you to know I’m falling asleep’ head-jarring narcolepsy while sitting squarely on Bobbum’s bench.  

I can’t harp on Bobbum too much; he had some stellar contributions from Rodgers (28.64!), Cobb, Pierce and Asiata.  And then there is A.J. Green. As Soccer is known for dives, Basketball for pinky injuries, and Baseball for…being Baseball, Green decided to reject the stereotype of burly, strongman football player by sitting this one out ‘cause his toe felt funny.  Added Bobbum embarrassment came from TE down to special teams this week with a combined total of just 12.20 points, leading one to ask if this was due to an equipmunk-malfunction.

Turning the page, Evil E’s saw their best projection from Manning…and a Kicker. Had Bailey not watched Dragonball Z the night before and gone full Super Saiyan on Kansas City, this would have been an incredibly tight matchup. Evil E’s move to include Crabtree following a concerning calf injury was rewarded with 14.20 points, and Rainey smashed projection thanks to an injured Doug Martin.

Plaxico’(yay!)s Thigh (Ryan P.) VS Touchdown Syndrome (Aaron)

2…no 3 injuries and Plaxico still comes out with the win! This one started with some passive aggressive smack talk between both players. May I offer a suggestion for your subsequent matchups? Remember BoneSaw, from the first Spiderman movie? He was the anabolic wonder that kept shouting BONESAW to anyone who gave him a microphone.  Emulate that excitement! I want FULL CAPS, poorly constructed sentences, and complete confidence that you’re gonna BONESAW THE SHIT out of the other team!

On to the matchup! Playing Rivers against the Seahawks took cajones.  I certainly didn’t have them.  Plaxico did, and was dutifully rewarded.  Getting more points than the QB who threw 3 pass TDs this week was Jordy Nelson (26.90), absolutely destroying the NY Jets. The other contributing factor to Plaxico’s win was Vinatieri and the Carolina D. I can only assume all that practice kicking dogs helped Vinatieri produce good numbers.  Also, from the week 1 write up: “Remember that at 34, it takes Gates a few days to meander his increasingly immobile body from bench to active roster.”  It’s unfortunate Gates wasn’t able to make the steep ascent to your active roster. Again.  With 27.60 points, maybe it’s time to invest in one of these to finally get him up there? Just a thought.

Touchdown Syndrome’s got some sizeable contribution from Wilson, Giovani “My last name is far less exciting than my first” Bernard, and Frank Gore. Allen Hurns get’s the KFC Double Down award for shitting the bed twice, as his crap production (1.30) was a result of few targets and even fewer receptions. To top off this poop sundae, Hurns twisted his ankle and injured himself with only 21 seconds left on the clock.  This disappointment wouldn’t be a true KFC Double Down if it only happened to one of the Syndrome’s offense.  Vernon Davis did the exact same thing!

Emma’s Peachs (Emma) VS Leather and Lacy (Kenny)

“Ingram suffered a broken hand in the first half of Sunday's loss to the Browns, but played through it.” Because that’s how football players DO, A.J. Green. Sorry, I’m still mad about that one.

This one had the Peachs (spelling still benched, eh?) looking like the underdog by 9.97 points, but Edelman, Ingram-Brokenhand, and Gostkowski pushed them over the edge to upset Leather and Lacy, an increasingly apt name as continued domination from other players leads one to suspect some kind of repressed masochism.  Dr. J is available for consultation once you get to the NFL, Kenny.  

Unfortunately, Foster and Walker’s combined point total of 41.20 was not enough to offset Brady’s tepid outing in Minnesota and the surprisingly poor production of Wayne and namesake Eddie Lacy. Leather and Lacy will have the opportunity to rebound in Week 3, especially with the addition of Khiry Robinson.  

The Big Gronkowski (Leigh) VS Victorious Secret (Nat)

Haha.

Hahaha.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

F*ck Kickers, I guess!  For the 2nd week in a row, Leigh used Suspended kicker, Matt Prater, and showed she has the biggest Gronks of them all by decimating the projections with a 116.74 – 85.24 win.  With disappointing showings from Gerhart, Wright, and (I’m mentioning it again) Suspended kicker Matt Prater, The Big Gronks would have needed exceptional starts from her remaining roster to eke out a win.  This is exactly what happened. If ever you find yourself discussing sexual fantasies with your partners this week, please be sure to recite the following: Cutler’s 4 Pass TDS, Demarco Murray’s 167 Rush Yds, and Jimmy Graham’s 2 Receiving TDs. Naughty!

On a less moist part of the field, Victorius Secret had adequate numbers from Thomas and Bell, while Matt Ryan underperformed, and C. Johnson reminds he’s not the OTHER C. Johnson.  Buffalo had a fantastic showing this week, and combined with Tucker registering 34 of the Secret’s 85.24 points. Given the outcome of this matchup, Tucker should have just hung out with Prater, who has presumably spent the past two weeks drinking away suspension woes.

Manager of the Week:  Emma’s Peachs – Edelman is starting to show his week to week value, and while Ingram’s injury will cost the Peachs, the roster depth of solid players here makes her an increasing threat.  

Manager of the Weak:  Victorious Secret – Don’t feel bad, Victorious.  This is tradition.  Getting beat by someone who decides that maybe Alcoholics Anonymous will intervene and score points for their kicker, has to give you this week’s weak.

Commissioner's Report: Week 2

Better late than never! It's the Commissioner's Report for Week 2! Let's see how many grossly inappropriate jokes we can make about the always hilarious topic of domestic violence!

Cut Like Lewis (Jesse #1) vs. Bounty Hunters (Iain)

Hollywood lies to you. The TV lies to you. Your parents, when telling you fanciful tales meant to quiet young thoughts and send you off to peaceful sleep, are lying to you. Proper fiction, we've been told, presents a hero, creates a challenge or nemesis, and near the end of the tale when all seems lost and our aforementioned hero and they seems sure to fall prey to the forces of darkness, they triumph, proving that good will always grab evil by the testicles and twist vigorously.

Sadly, real life is a very different and much more melancholy adventure. Poverty and sickness ravage a massive portion of the world's population, Financial institutions see human misery as a trade-able derivative, War-monger governments push agendas that invariably send young men and women to the meat grinder, and Iain Wills beat me in Fantasy football.

Say what you will about the last Batman movie, but when ol' Grumbles McBat was stuck in that underground prison, that line about the prison being really awful because it gave you the hope of escape hit pretty fucking close to home this week. Things were looking fairly grim early on; coming off of arguable the best game of his career, QB Matt Ryan looked completely stunned by the Bengals, completing a paltry 24 of 44 passes and getting picked off three times. The Hunters further benefited from the shittiness of the Falcons' offense, fielding Cincinnati RB Giovanni Bernard who rushed for 90 yards and a TD, and tacked on an additional 27 receiving yards. The Hunters also dominated at the TE position, with Delanie Walker busting projection by 14.14 FAN points, hauling in 10 receptions for 142 yards and 1 TD. My squad will henceforth refer to the position as Loose Asshole.

However, by the grace of some cruel god, I was ahead by almost 3 FAN points by Sunday's end! All we needed was for Adam Vinatieri to break a bone, or kick his girlfriend's dog, and I was in the clear! Over the Cut Like Lewis dressing room door, I'm going to paint "Abandon All Hope, All Ye Who Play For My Team"


The Mountain Men (Antoine) vs. The Toucherdowners (Mounia)

Ho-ly fuck. I feel like I need to organize a candlelight vigil or some sort of bake sale. If he hasn't already, Antoine should expect an e-mail from Roger Goodell that simply says " Don't worry bro, I got this". The esteemed members of the ESPN Sunday Night Countdown panel would certainly hold this result up as another example of  the moral failure of today's NFL. Seriously Antoine, take some cues from Superbowl champ and Paragon of Virtue Ray Lewis; if you're going to beat up on someone, just kill them and dispose of the body. Instead of getting fired, you'll end up with a cushy media job!

This was the perfect storm of one team going completely over 9000 while the other team took a couple of Quaaludes, put on the shame Snuggie, popped on a Perfect Strangers DVD, and silently begged for our collective pity. If there was any respite for The Toucherdowners, it was that The Men could not be stopped this week; DeMarco Murray, Alfred Morris, and Jimmy Graham combined for 65.50 FAN points, 0.16 points shy of The Toucherdowners total production. Kicker Dan Carpenter was responsible for 17 of The Bills 29 points against The Dolphins.

On the other side of the virtual field, The Toucherdowners looked like that stray dog that always seems to show up on your porch around the holidays. Sure, part of you wants to take it in and nurse it back to health, but the other part of you can't deal with the smell of failure. If God wanted that dog to live, it would have helped it draft a better team. The King of Splash Mountain took the night off against the Vikings, throwing for only 149 yards and 1 TD and letting his defense score all the points. RB Pierre Thomas was a total bridesmaid, as QB Drew Brees through to his main squeeze Jimmy Graham all night. Sadder still was The Toucherdowners bench, who managed a hilarious 8.20 FAN points between them. Seriously, I've had Loose Assholes score more points than that.


Concussed Criminals (Gabe) vs. Spud and Dud (Zach)

What is God's Green, American-Made Earth possesses someone to bench Jay Cutler in favor of Ryan Fitzpatrick? Drugs? Communism? Ennui? Was it the match-up? Sure, Oakland's not that great, but Ol' Fitzy didn't exactly light it up against Washington in week one. Versus the Raiders, Fitzpatrick threw a total of 19 passes the entire game, completing 14 for a single TD. In his week 1 game against the Bills Jay Cutler threw 49 passes, completing 34 for 349 yards and 2 TDs. This week, he completed another 23 passes, and earned 4 more TDs. Let's break this down further; in two weeks of play, Jay Cutler has thrown almost twice as many passes. twice as many completions, for twice as many touchdowns. That certainly is a lot of twos.The Criminals are 0 and 2.  Hey, funny coincidence!

The Spuds squeaked by despite a pretty rough week. Jordy Nelson made the Jets look like they were flying out of Malaysia, racking up a career high 209 receiving yards and 1 TD. QB Sheppard's Pie put up semi-decent FAN points despite getting whipped by Carolina. It's hard to put blame on kicker Blair Walsh's shoulders when The Vikings couldn't even get him in range for a single field goal. Matt Forte, on the other hand, played what will probably be the worst game of his season against the 49ers, whose defense had his number all night.

Gabe, either start making better line up choices, or grow red hair and learn to make delicious Bloody Caesars.


Einhorn is Finkle (Kelleye) vs. Halifax Explosions (Ryan)

It's hard to give Team Splodey too much guff for benching Phillip Rivers in favor of  Jake Locker. Locker looked fucking resplendent in week one and Rivers was facing the rectum-quiveringly spooky Seahawks in week 2. Who would have guessed Rivers had the cahones to rack up over 300 combined yards and 3 TDs against the Legion of Boom? It would also be poor form to give Ryan guff for his QB choice because neither Locker or Rivers provided him enough points to prevent NFL powerhouse and reigning Super League champ Einhorn is Finkle from crushing his jimmies in week 2.

While not as dominant as her week 1 drubbing of Brolo el Cunado, Team Einhorn managed a respectable 98.98 FAN points, with another solid effort from QB Peyton Manning. Manning's 242-yard, 3 TD night actually had him come in about 3 points shy of his 24.17 point projection, However one man's minor disappointment is apparently another man's career aspiration; Peyton's final tally of 21.85 beat Locker's projection by about 3 points, and crushed his actual, rather pitiful score by over 9 points.

Neither team had much luck at the Wide Receiver position with Victor Cruz, Pierre Garcon, Vincent Jackson, and Kendall Wright combining for zero TDs, 151 yards, and 16.4 FAN points. Guys, what happened? Who stole all of your points! Why, it was that cheeky rogue Brandon Marshall! He hid his 3 TDs and 22.8 FAN points under Team Splody's bench. What a scamp!

If there is solace to be had for Halifax Explosions, it is that they narrowly escaped earning the season's first "13th Man" trophy, as their starting line up eeked out a 2.2 FAN point victory against their own bench. I mean, talk about depth, right?

Troy Polamalu's Hair (Natasha & Michelle) vs. Brolo el Cunado (Andrew)

It's been a rough season so far for Team Raffi; a tough match up for QB Aaron Rodgers in the season opener led to a rather decisive loss against Einhorn is Finkle in week 1. Things looked much brighter in week 2, with Rodgers facing what can only be described as a future CFL expansion team. Unsurprisingly, Rodgers delivered racking up 274 yards and 3 TDs. Unfortunately, despite a spirited effort from The Bills Defense, the rest of Cunado's squad was un grupo de enfermos, burros perezosos que ganan más dinero de lo que valen.

It's  unfair to heap too much blame on Andrew's management; there is no way he would have been able to know that his marquee running back Adrian Peterson would be sidelined indefinitely with a broken moral compass.

Switching to Team Polamalu, WR Dez Bryant had a great game against The Titans, catching 10 passes for 103 yards and 1 TD. Rookie RB Terrence West seems to be bearing fruit, rushing 68 yards and a TD, plus an additional 22 yards receiving. With Ben Tate out for at least the next few weeks, West should see plenty of action in the next few games.

Marques Colston continues to claim he plays professional football for The Saints.


John's Dazzling Team (John) vs. The Footbalcoholics (Jesse #2)

I had an excellent childhood. I was fortunate to be born into a family with two loving parents who cared for me as best they could and helped mold me into the near-perfect specimen you see today whose monk-like humility is only surpassed by his raw, sexual magnetism. Like most young men, I idolized my father, a man who  possessed both incredible intelligence and resolute confidence. Therefor, there is a particular existential terror in witnessing one's idol make a series of line up decisions that prompt research into long-term care facilities for the infirm.

While me giving advice on Tight Ends is like Aaron Hernandez giving advice on conflict resolution, what the hell was the upside in starting Ho-Hum TE Heath Miller over Antonio Gates? Was there something special about Miller's 3 receptions for 26 yards in week 1? Did we all miss something? Sure, Gates had a pretty disappointing week 1 as well, but it netted almost  four times as many FAN points. Jump to week two, and Miller seems focused on maxing out his Money Earned per Yard stat line, while Gates hauls in all seven passes thrown his way for 96 yards and 3 TDs.

Team John also decided to give rookie RB Carlos Hyde a shot in lieu of veteran Darren Sproles. Sure, Hyde looked great in week 1, but he was facing the Dallas Cowboys. If asked, I'm fairly positive Roger Goodell would claim he's never actually seen video footage of a Cowboys game. Sproles, meanwhile, had one of the best performances in Eagles' RB history against The Colts, rushing for 26 yards, going 7-for-7 on catches for an additional 127 yards and a TD.

John's Dazzling Team also came the closest to earning the "13th Man" trophy, barely triumphing over his bench by a margin of  1.34 FAN points.

I don't mean to short-shrift the Footbalcoholics, as they certainly had a decent week; Arian Foster did a number on the Raiders, rushing for 138 yards and a TD. Jesse #2 also made the wise decision of putting absolutely no faith whatsoever in RG3, whose dislocated ankle will see him miss at least 6 to 8 weeks. While RG3's perpetual injury woes are certainly troubling, I must save my sympathy for my father's obviously fragile cognitive state. We'll get through this together, dad.



Manager of The Week: The Mountain Men - The Men set a league-high weekly point total despite being unable to field Wes Welker, who is still recovering from what Bronco's insiders are calling a "A fucking epic party, bro"

Manager of the Weak: John's Dazzling Team - Dad, you have two sons and a wife you love you very much. We are here for you. I think the cafeteria has jello. Your favorite! #pleasedontdisownme

And there you have it! Now on to week 3! Maybe I'll actually win this week!

Commissioner's Report: Week 1

Hear me, O glorious pantheon of football Titans! You, the proud, wise masters of the Thursday-through-Monday gauntlet. Masters of flex decisions! Harvesters of the waiver wire! Lovers of overly complex Facebook polls and passive-aggressive, flannel-infused expressions of your displeasure with my flawless administration of  league justice. Beneficiaries of last-minute rule changes!  It is time for us to once again reconvene and  recount the tales of the week that was. It is time for THE COMMISSIONER'S REPORT: WEEK 1! (thunder and lightening)

For those interested in the study of human evolution, be sure to also read Halifax Explosion's GM Ryan Gainer's "View From the Rafters" which examines the competitive interactions of  early hominids. Truly riveting stuff! Like watching developmentally challenged ants under a magnifying glass! Anyhoo, let's move on to match-ups involving real people, shall we?

Cut Like Lewis (Jesse #1) vs. The Mountain Men (Antoine)

I have to admit that facing Antoine in Fantasy Football is always an incredibly nerve-racking experience for me. At its core, Fantasy Football is a game of probability, predictive analysis, and using large amounts of data to make informed decisions, and as The Mountain Men's GM holds the unique distinction of having the only web browser history that contains a Pornhub.com search for "Naughty Interquartile Ranges"  (Spoiler Alert: The Bar Chart gets a Non-Random Sample all over its Histogram), I feel I am at a distinct disadvantage.

So as you can imagine, I was pretty thrilled that the only touchdown pass that Aaron Rodgers could muster against the unstoppable fucking juggernaut that is the Seattle Seahawks during the season opener landed in the soft, supple hands of Randall Cobb. Come Sunday evening, my odds seemed to be improving as Falcon's QB Matt Ryan started racking up points against The Saints. He ended the night having thrown for almost 450 yards and 3 TDs generating 31.42 FAN points! Jesus! What's that in RG3's? That's got to be at least five RG3's! Combined with stellar performances from AJ Green and Montee Ball, I started to hold out hope that I would have a winning record fore the first time in 10 months. All I needed was for Washington TE Jordan Reed and Giant's WR Rueben Randle to not completely fuck the dog and I was home free! Surely these guys could combine for more than......5 yards? Really guys? I've taken shits longer than that and nobody seems interested in an official Jesse Gainer Post-Corn Chowder jersey. While Reed's lack of production was due to a hamstring injury, Randle complained that he and Eli Manning "weren't on the same page yet". Fellas, if the poop-jersey's start selling, I'll pay for couples counseling.

Of course, my loss this week had more to do with The Mountain Men's solid week 1 performance. Despite a slow start from QB Nick Foles, The Men got excellent production out of DeMarco Murray, who rushed for 188 yards and 1 TD, and Saints running back Mark Ingram, who seems to be Drew Brees' preferred guy for early-down yardage, as long as the rest of The Saint's backfield continues to suck. As I am sure both The Halifax Explosions and Finkle is Einhorn can attest, being least-worst has its upside.


Bounty Hunters (Iain) vs. Spud and Dud (Zach)

As should be clear to league members who have read my reports throughout the years, unwavering objectivity is the key pillar of my analysis. So it is with great regret that I must violate one of my most sacred core values. I could use the proceeding space to tell you that this was an excellent contest between two fairly well matched teams that came down to an uneven battle at the quarterback position. To be sure, The Bounty Hunters were forced to rely on a Dwayne Bowe-less Alex Smith while hotshot Panther's QB Cam Newton continued to recover from rib injuries. The Spuds saw a vitamin-rich, gluten-free performance from QB Starch McFrite that should keep the Irish fed for at least a generation. King Tuber's 346 yard, 3 TD, 0 INT night also saw the diet staple record one of  his best passing percentages in his last 32 starts.
I could also mention that Hunters WR Antonio Brown was able to bust projection with a 168 yard, 1 TD night while also delivering a hilarious kung-fu jump kick to Brown's punter Spencer Lanning, but this wasn't enough to overcome a Spuds team that saw superstar Tight End Vernon Davis dominate the red zone against the Cowboys for 2 TD's.
I could say that the above commentary would lead us to believe that 2013 league champ narrowly squeaked out the win against a worthy opponent, but I choose not to. Instead, I choose to explain to you exactly why The Hunters fell short in week 1:

God

 Or, more specifically, God's judgement of his poor servant, Iain Wills. Iain Wills is an awful person. He is a low creature beyond our help. He is a petty, contemptible, villain whose shriveled, dead heart is warmed only slightly by the suffering of small animals and underprivileged children. His diet consists entirely of misery. Actively crushing the dreams of migrant families is the only way in which he can achieve orgasm. He hasn't paid taxes in 5 years. He was unnecessarily short with the Starbucks barista whose only crime was over-frothing his double caramel Macchiato. In conclusion, the bounty hunters' loss in week one is irrefutable proof that God loves us and wishes for us to be happy.

Concussed Criminals vs. Halifax Explosions

This week had to be a bit of a heartbreaker for The Criminals. To be up by almost 20 FAN points after the early Sunday games only to have KC Chief's head coach Andy Reid decide to employ the "So Shitty it Might Work" strategy of giving elite RB Jamaal Charles only 11 touches during their game against The Titans. One has to admire the camaraderie displayed between the members of the Criminals starting line up; being this collectively repugnant, especially at the RB position where Charles, Doug Martin and Tony Gerhart combined for a depressing 10.70 FAN points, must take considerable effort and, to add extra farty topping to the shit-sundae, both Martin and Gerhart left their respective games due to injury. Thankfully, the Criminals have sufficient bench depth to replace these guys with other equally shitty running backs. One bright spot for the Criminals, the eye of the shit-nado if you will, was the performance of Cordarrelle Patterson, the 2nd year Vikings WR whose combined 128 yards and 1 TD netted the Criminals 18.8 FAN points.

Team Splody had an okay Week 1 outing, with standout performances from running backs Rashad Jennings and Knowshon Moreno, with Jennings logging 1 TD and 96 total yards and Moreno posting 134 rushing yards and 1 TD. QB Phillip Rivers had a below-average game in terms of production, passing for only 238 yards and 1 TD, due mostly to the intense pressure he faced from the Arizona defense. Unfortunately for the Explosions, the Rams defense realized that the best method for avoiding career ending injuries is to give up early and often. They can't put you on the DL for a broken spirit!

Einhorn is Finkle (Kelleye) vs. Brolo el Cunado (Andrew)

I am fully aware that it is not an appropriate time to be talking about one-sided fist fights, but it is hard to describe the match up between these two teams without alluding to the incident we are all thinking about; the 480 BC battle of Salamis during the second Persian invasion of Greece, an event made only more sickening by the fact that the Spartan League of Athletics took three decades to sanction the Persians and only after irrefutable scrolls were made public.

Team Finkle was asshole-punkeringly terrifying in week 1. Now, I use the word terrifying here because GM Kelleye earned 60% of her 127.56 FAN point total from the work of only three players.  QB Peyton Manning got hot and heavy with receiver and Einhorn is Finkle teammate Julius Thomas early in the first quarter, racking up 3 TD's and 269 passing yards. As well, Le'Veon Bell looked like he was playing keep away against the Browns, rushing for 109 yards and 1 TD, plus hauling in 6 catches for another 88 yards.  So, why is this scary? One need only look at the Finkle bench to pierce the veil of utter madness. Backup Tight end? Fuck that. Back up Running Backs? One, and he's injured. Back Up Quarterback? How about back up quarterbacks plural and one of them is Russell Wilson (Seriously Kelleye, having both Manning and Wilson on your roster is like dangling the promise of Christmas dinner in front of Tiny Tim-esque teams like The Toucherdowners.). My point is that while Einhorn is Finkle's current line up will continue to kick scrote, her strategy seems to rely on the long term health of three men whose job involves being chased by large men who wish to do them harm.

It's hard to admonish Team Brolo for taking QB Aaron Rodgers over Ben "It's Only Sexy if Someone Gets Traumatized" Roethlisberger. Rodgers is almost always a safe bet, but with a week 1 contest against the team who made Peyton look like Eli in last year's Superbowl, I think Big Ben against the predictably soft Browns would have been the prudent choice. Hindsight is 20/20, i guess. ( this is also known throughout Pennsylvania criminal law circles as the "Roethlisberger Defense").


Troy Polamalu's Hair (Michelle & Natasha) vs. The Footbalcoholics (Jesse #2)

There is clearly some ripe, low-hanging fruit here; a team GM'd in part by a Cowboys fan suffers a humiliating defeat in which the best performance came from the kicker.  Even better, one of the many, many disappointing performances from team Polamalu came from none other than Dallas Wide Receiver Dez Bryant, who managed a measly 55 receiving yards during the Cowboy's game against the 49ers. To be fair, Bryant might have fared a bit better if Tony " I Sweat Butter" Romo hadn't attempting to throw to him in double coverage. Bryant apparently suffered from serious dehydration in the second half. I guess there is only so much uncontrollable sobbing one man can do before it starts to affect his performance.

The Footbalcoholics looked rather sharp, busting their week 1 projection by 22.6 points, a feat aided greatly by WR Calvin Johnson's 164 receiving yards and 2 TDs against a comically bad NY Gaints team. It truly seemed that no single member of the NY Giants defense wanted to be blamed for ineffectively covering Megatron, so they just gave him a wide berth. QB Colin Kaepernick could have put up far more than his still respectable 17.14 FAN points, but San Fran's lead against a hilariously outmatched Dallas squad was so great at the end of the 1st quarter that Kaep could afford to take the foot off the gas and spend time contemplating his next mega-douchy tattoo.

the 'Holics need may consider a quick trip to the med bay, as a number of the squad's main players took some lumps in week 1 or are still recovering from pre-existing issues. Thankfully, Dwayne Bowe has served his one-game "Drugs are bad, m;kay?" sentence and will be ready to roll in week 2.


John's Dazzling Team ( John) vs. The Toucherdowners (Mounia)

What could be sweeter? It's Thursday evening, the sun is setting but the air remains warm, you're poolside with a delicious cocktail and a strong WiFi connection, and Marshawn Lynch is handing out Dallas Cowboy jerseys to the Green Bay secondary. Lynch's 110 rushing yards and 2 TD's  combined with Percy Harvin's 100 total yards wraps you in a warm blanket of FAN point security. Sure, kicker Mason Crosby came up a little short, but who can compete with Beast Mode? Besides, Tom Brady should be able to dole out sufficient punishment against the paltry Dolphins, right?

Well, it seems that old Tom got his Giselles in a Bundchen, managing only a single TD pass and losing two fumbles. The King of the Water Park was only able to complete a laughable 6 of 21 passes in the 4th quarter,  tossing balls all over the place with only the faintest hope of contact. Sounds like the high school experience Tom never had.

John's Dazzling Team fared far better at the QB position, with Andrew Luck putting up 2 TDs and 370 passing yards. Luck's numbers get an added boost from the Colt running game which can be best described as "theoretical". Running Back Carlos Hyde surprised everyone by not being completely useless, rushing for 50  yards and punching in a late-game TD. While most would argue that the smart play would have been to bench Hyde in favor of Philly RB Darren Sproles, shrewd manager Doc J. knew that any match up against Dallas is akin to shooting a bunch of confused, overpaid fish in a barrel.

A bit of advice to both managers: as any adult film casting agent worth his or her salt can tell you, Tight Ends are your friend.


Manager of the Week: Spud and Dud (Zach) - The 2013 league champ drafted an incredibly well-balanced team that threatens to repeat. While his week 1 margin of victory wasn't massive, Zach's squad looks to be a threat every week.

Manager of the Weak: The Toucherdowners (Mounia) - Sports highlight shows all maintain a bank of video clips depicting a drunk, mulleted baseball fan sailing through the air to catch a fowl ball moments before eating a gob-full of concrete. Yes, Marshawn Lynch is a sweet pick, but he can only do so much for a team that thought a QB duo of Tom Brady and Eli Manning would produce anything besides indigestion.  (Update: The Toucherdowner's have just recently dumped the Derp for a hot load of Jaquizz.)

View From The Rafters: Week 1

Good Afternoon Valueless Dregs CFL’ers!

My name is Ryan Gainer, my NFL team is the Halifax Explosions, and I’ll be writing the weekly matchups for the CFL group.  When I introduced the idea of an NFL elite taking time out of his busy schedule (today is Rosturbate Wednesday!) to review CFL matchups, my NFL brethren scoffed. “By jove!” Hingle McCringlberry (The 2014 Spud and Dud’s) said while brandishing his 2013 1st place crown in a tub of milk and honey, “Why stoop to the matters of commoners and invest yourself in the lives of the meek and miserly? The CFL is where good sport goes to die, old chum.” Brolo el Cuñado, echoed these statements: “Echo’d, Brolo.”.

Though these upper-rafter types may be too enthralled in their own personal quests for glory to appreciate the little guy, I see things differently.  The CFL and its members are the ground, the foundation, the fertilized cow shit wherein all the right components to an NFL worthy team are forged.  While the majority here will continue to suckle at the CFL teat of mediocrity at the end of the season, the top 4 will have demonstrated the skills necessary to ascend the ranks to NFL glory.  In fact, it’s kind of like that movie with Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson where a lottery determines who gets to live the rest of their lives on an island utopia. Although I think they eventually find out that there’s no real island, and all the winners are either taken out back and brutally murdered or used for organ harvesting...  Ahem.  

In any case, it’s my job to provide weekly matchup reviews and single out teams that have either made exceptionally smart and strategically well-crafted moves, or awe-inspiringly atrocious decisions that will earn them unceasing amounts of derision from yours truly.   For those who find themselves in the latter category, I do so only for your benefit – The dog who craps on the rug needs to know they’re a bad dog.  Amirite, Kenny?

While it will be natural to gravitate toward me as the authority figure, please remember that Shane Saunderson (The Loose Ends) is your appointed commissioner.  All league minutiae can be dealt with under his capable leadership.  

Without further adieu, let’s dive in to Week 1 matchups!

The Loose Ends (Shane) -vs- Only Foles rush in (Judy)  

I admittedly had a soft spot for Only Foles coming in to this matchup, as we both played Jackson, Ertz, and the Rams D in our respective leagues this week.  Unfortunately for Only Foles, Rams D got just one sack and no turnovers in the team’s 34-6 loss against the Vikings.  As well, V-Jax was decidedly ‘meh’, and I place the blame squarely on Josh McCown.  

On the other hand (cheek?), The Loose Ends had three players show up this week in Stafford, BEAST MODE! and Cooks.  That these three players point totals exceeded the entire output of Leather and Lacy’s team this week, must give Loose Ends a special kind of pants-based feeling.  However, as is typical with pants-based feelings, this could be a fleeting sensation.  Without the point generation from these three mammoth contributors, the rest of The Loose Ends line went under projections.

Lastly, while the temptation is high to berate the choice to bench Benjis and Ivory, I think this ultimately points to a strong roster that will serve Only Foles well in the future. Oh, and I won with V-Jax, Ertz and the Rams on MY team, so…

Suicidal Bunnies (Justin)  vs Touchdown Syndrome (Aaron)

  Did you guys just want all the points for yourselves? Kenny and Matt could use some if you’re the benevolent type. Anyway, a battle of titans in this one with massive contributions from Luck, Thomas, Johnson and…wait, 16 points from a Kicker?? Succop decided to ‘f*ck y’all’ and just play kickball against the Chiefs on Sunday.  TE Vernon Davis killed projections with an impressive 16.40, which is admirable considering all he does is just tweet about different kinds of soup. Though both players exceeded total point projections, Touchdown Syndrome did it with an impressive ‘GTFO’ attitude, going 28 points over.  Speaking of getting the f*ck out, the Baltimore Ravens have terminated the contract of Syndrome’s RB Ray Rice following the newest evidence in a long story of abuse that I can’t make jokes about.  GTFO Ray Rice.

What I CAN make jokes about is bench depth!  While each player this week chose the best rosters, Suicidal Bunnies had a point total of just 11.10 on the bench and Syndromes had four 0.00’s on his.  Let it be known that Bye Week Hell is real, it’s scary, and you both just tickled its meaty undercarriage with a ‘TROLOLOLOL’-like attitude.  Godspeed fellas.

Plaxico_s Thigh (Ryan P.) vs The Bobbum Men (Ryan W.)

This was a nice matchup between two of the better named teams in the league (but get your apostrophe fixed, P-Thighs!). Despite Rodgers’ atrocious start against an intimidating Seahawks defense, The Bobbum Men pushed out a win that partly relied on Plaxico’s Thigh’s poor performance compared to projections.  Bobbum Men’s best move was picking up Houston before they steamrolled the Washington “Offensive-Name’s”.  3 Sacks, 2 Fumble Recoveries, and a Touchdown. It’s like The Twelve Days of Christmas, except the offensive gifts received are in the form of dislocated shoulders and tears.  

Plexico had some unfortunate output by Witten, who Yahoo states ‘remains locked in as a TE1 as Romo's security blanket’.  I’m sure they have an adorable relationship, but if security is defined by scoring less than 2 fantasy points, maybe Gates would have been a better decision.  I’m sure Plaxico tried for this, but remember that at 34, it takes Gates a few days to meander his increasingly immobile body from bench to active roster.  Bobbum Men had excellent production from Green, Cobb, and the Gronks.  Bobbum could have switched out for Sproles, Flacco, and San Fran from the bench and still managed a sizeable lead, especially since Bernard Pierce decided to actively take points away from Bobbum Men this week. Good win Bobbum!

Evil Equestranauts (Jennifer) vs Leather and Lacy (Kenny)

With one of the closest point projected matchups, this was sure to be a great head to he…goddamn it, Kenny. To be fair, Cruz and Lacy should have seen much higher point totals, but injuries and shitty QBs have a way of sucking that potential out the door pretty quick. Hopefully Lacy bounces back from the concussion, otherwise the team will have to change its name to the less popular ‘Leather and Stacy’ or the even LESS popular ‘Leather and Sankey’.  The Equestranauts saw unsurprisingly great production from Manning and Ball, but good to see Cordarrelle Patterson live up to the hype this week with an 18.80 point total.  Unfortunately for the Evil E’s, Martin got injured and Crabtree is not a sure bet as he’s battling a calf injury.  Too bad because, as the namesake implies, this equestrian-based team will likely dispose of injured players instead of nursing them back to health, turning them into glue…or… Bob’s Burgers? (SHOWJOKEOMGVOMITLOL!)

Leather’n’Lacy saw Reed get injured early, a TE who is expected to be sidelined for some time. Maybe one of your many, many QBs can double as the functional TE you don’t have for week 2!  (Wednesday Edit:  TE picked up!) The bright lights for team Lacy was the ever-dependable Matt Bryant (with TWO 50+ kicks!), Floyd, and Foster.  Foster looks great, is extraordinarily healthy, and promises to have a consistent and fruitful production in 2014 and many, many years to come (Disclosure:  I was going to make an age joke about Foster, but then realized he’s a year younger than I am. So, shit.).  

Emma’s Peachs (Emma) vs Victorius Secret (Nat)

Flippity flopping projections, Victorius Secret upset the Emma P’s with a powerful 113.42 showing.  Victorius should prepare a little shrine for Matt Ryan and Le’Veon Bell and pray to it before bed every night, as together they had 57.12 points – contributing over HALF the point total of their entire team.  Victorius could have just Taco’d the TE, DEF, and K positions, left everything blank, and still come out with a win.  Now, I’m not sure what secret Victorius is hiding, but I suspect it has something to do with roster churning 3 Defenses before finally settling on Chicago. This would have been something I could have defended, but each churn (Buffalo-> Detroit-> Chicago) got progressively worse in their fantasy point production. It’s like making butter with regular ingredients, then substituting cream for bugs, and changing 2 teaspoons of salt to 4 pounds of black tar. I will now coin this move the ‘Shit Churn’.  Congratulations on your first Shit Churn, Victorius!

Emma’s Peachs (Or is it Peaches? Did you decide to bench proper spelling?) should not feel too disheartened with this loss, as most players on her active roster contributed double digit points.  It has to be pointed out that Peachs benched the spritely Carlos Hyde, a young up-and-comer who is going to have an easy time prying carries from the dusty clackers of Frank Gore, the aged RB of the 49’ers. The other unfortunate misstep was benching Hackensack’s own Mark Ingram who powered through the Atlanta D for 60 yards and 2 TDs. Did I mention he was from Hackensack??

The Big Gronkowski (Leigh) vs The Crew Sluts (Matt)  

Knox Harrington: So you're Lebowski. Maudie's told me all about you. She'll be back in a moment, sit down. Would you like a drink?
The Dude: [as he sits down] Uh, yeah. White Russian?
Knox Harrington: The bar's over there.

I imagine the series of events that led to Matt Prater’s suspension for four games must have involved at least one white Russian.  In which case, I fully appreciate leaving him on as your active kicker out of some twisted tribute for The Dude. However, if Prater was hitting something less exciting, like beer or whiskey sours, then what the f*ck, Big Gronks?? The only other explanation is that you were too busy bowling or beating up nihilists to bother with your roster for this week, in which case, free pass.  Anyway, The Gronks didn’t end up needing Prater to come out with a decisive victory over the Crew Sluts this week, getting great numbers from Cutler, Maclin, Spiller and Murray.  Maclin’s 4th quarter explosiveness was excellent, and somewhat surprising given the concerns about his ACL.  On the other side of the field, Crew Sluts’ Larry Fitzgerald had a disappointing evening. Yahoo writes, “When asked about Larry Fitzgerald's one-catch night, Carson Palmer said you "just don't want to force balls to him."”.  Indeed.

The Sluts had okay production from Roddy White, Peterson, and Johnson, but Peterson’s threat level works against him some nights, as the Rams were zeroed in on stopping his production in the end-zone.  Of potential concern is the Sluts WR/RB bench party which no TEs, QBs, Ks or DEFs were invited to.  Or maybe it’s tactics. The Sluts could have adopted ‘The Dude Abides’ life philosophy for injuries and bye weeks.  Just, y’know, let ‘em happen, man.  I guess this strategy could go one of two ways:

1. The Stranger: The Dude abides. I don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals.
2. The Dude: God damn you Walter! You f*ckin' asshole! Everything's a f*ckin' travesty with you, man! And what was all that sh*t about Vietnam? What the F*CK, has anything got to do with Vietnam? What the f*ck are you talking about?

Call outs:

Manager of the Week: Suicidal Bunnies - A well drafted team firing on all cylinders, as long as this team stays healthy, they are going to be a threat.  

Manager of the Weak: The Crew Sluts – I think Kenny can be slightly excused as he was a victim of circumstance, however Matt’s decision to throw Fleener’s low-projected tucus on to this week’s roster, without any other options in bench positions other than WR and RB is worrisome. To quote Walter Sobchak, “Am I Wrong? Am I Wrong??” (Wednesday Edit:  Crew Sluts ended up grabbing a TE, so, yes Walter, I am wrong. Shut up.)