CFL Week 9 View from the Rafters

Week 9

The Loose Ends vs The Bobbum Men

The first match up this week found Bobbum Men take first with a decisive victory over the Loose Ends, also extending the Bobbum streak (that sounds dirty, that’s probably dirty) to 6 in a row.

Lynch and Morris were the main streakers for the Loose Ends, contributing almost 50 points between the two of them.  Unfortunately, WRs disappointed in their positions, registering a sickly 5.7 between them.

Most things went right for Bobbum, with Tannehill having his best game of the season with 3 TDs, 288 Yds and no interceptions.  Luckily for the Bobbums, Green, Beckham Jr, and Gronk helped make up for the poor showings from Taliaferro and Murray. Both teams had 3 significant Bye week issues each, with Marshall, Stafford, Rodgers, and Cobb as notable absences.  Lyrical wordsmiths, NSYNC, had foreseen this issue years ago, and expertly crafted the fantasy warning for week 9 owners in their song, ‘Bye, Bye, Bye’.  At least that’s what I assume it was about, I couldn’t get past the first verse with out vomicrying.

“No, no, these are tears of joy and puke of excitement!”

                                                 

Only Foles rush in vs Leather and Lacy

Hoo boy…That’s Gronk-level production there, Only Foles. There wasn’t much Only Foles could do but watch every member of her fantasy team remind her of the importance of having several interests, hobbies, varied skills and talents so that when one ability completely tanks, one can depend on the others for solace and meaning.  I hope you play a mean game of chess, Only Foles.

  I only had to slaughter 6 baby cows to make this beautiful scarf-hat!

                                     

Randle, Ivory, Ertz, Benjamin, Bullock.  Not only did they come under projection, most contributed 1/5th of their projections.   What Only Foles will likely be beating herself up about (Ben could help!), was leaving Roethliscopter on the bench when he went ROFLCOPTER and threw 6 GODDAMN TOUCHDOWN PASSES! A tough decision led to missing out on one of the highest point totals for QB in recent memory.

Leather and Lacy had his two main contributors, Brady and Foster, do their thing. Leather and Lacy also received the win without any contribution from TE Green.  Judging by his stat lines, Green gives 50% effort 25% of the time, with 4 weeks of absolutely no point generation.  Again, I think Leigh gets the picture Kenny, Winning all your match ups with one or more players contributing nothing is now just showing off.

Suicidal Bunnies vs Victorious Secret

Okay, whoa.  You lose, I show a crying bunny.  You win, I show a happy bunny.  This week seems like you’re going overboard with confidence as 129.86 was by far the highest point total in week 9 compared to the rest of the unfluffy ‘normies’.  Andrew Luck passed for 4 TDs, and 354 Pass Yds.  J. HIll, who I assume is Jonah Hill, played the football equivalent of that time in SuperBad when he realized someone bled ‘naughty’ blood on his pant leg. No stopping him, he rushed for 2 TDs and 154 Rush Yds.  Apparently, Robinson can play both WR and RB positions and it rewarded him this week with 16.4 points.  That’s great and all, but show me a QB-K, or a TE-DEF…Then I’ll be Impressed! 

OC: Man, I don’t think kicking all the time is…QB-K “KICK ALL THE TIME RAARRRRRR!”

Victorious Secret did no wrong his week, but had a few unfortunate productions from Wallace, Oliver and Walsh, which was enough to hold the team back from getting up to 100+ territory. 

Plaxico’s Thigh vs The Big Gronkowski

Oh I feel your pain! I know the anguish, the hurt! Having Rivers get less than 1 point as a QB completely devastated our teams into week 9 Loss….Aw What!? You won anyway!?  That’s impressive! Rivers was the unruly roster warmer that just took up space not doing anything except looking at sacks all day.

“Jokes on you, my sack’s been gone for years, haha…*tears*”

                                               

Plaxico got big contributors from Brown, Boldin, Charles, and Vinatieri.  The Big Gronks, just can’t catch a break.  Another zero contributor, Royal did absolutely nothing this week, while Maclin tore into the Texans with 2 Receiving TDs and 158 Yds. Between him and Jackson, it looked as if Gronks could break the 3 game losing streak, but unfortunately she forgot about Dre…Sorry, Dray. Jim Dray. 0% Owned, registering only 2.6 this week.  Tough loss Gronks!

 

Evil Equestranauts vs Emma’s Peachs

Snide reared his ugly head again as the Denver Bronco’s D went for -1.00, and there was enough stank on the Evil E’s roster to get the Peachs a week 9 win.  Although Evans had an absolute monster of a game with 2 Touchdowns, it was the work of Patterson, Thompson and Hawkins who kept Evil E’s in the ball pit of mediocrity.

Yay.

Emma’s Peaches on the other hand, got solid production from Brees, Ingram, Lafell and Gostkowski which helped carry the WR woes of Allen and Bryant. It must be tough to see 22 points just go to waste on the Peachs Bench, while Evil E’s would have done terrible things to simply get her Defence into the positive.

Touchdown Syndrome vs The Crew Sluts

Hahaha. Ew.

I shouldn’t laugh.  There’s a reason they shut down production of Bum Fights.  It’s demoralizing, demeaning to all involved, but the sick fascination with watching two car wrecks attack each other is something real in all of us.  The same can be said with this week’s matchup between the Syndromes and the Sluts, out of sheer respect for those less fortunate, I was going to end with my ‘Ew.’ comment, and be on my way…but something draws me in, sits me down, and makes me investigate. I’m not proud of it. 

The Syndromes were prepared for upset out of the gate, with only 75 points projected for the week.  It’s as if every player got together before Sunday and declared a new found love for pacifism, with most registering between the 3-4 point mark, and Wilson going well under with just 10 points. At least they all contributed though, which is more than you can say about The Sluts.  Crowell was decidedly absent, and outside of Vereen’s efforts, the rest just fell flat. There’s not much more to say on this one, I think a well placed photo is the best summation I can give: 

Manager of the week:  Plaxico’s Thigh:  Anyone who is able to win with Rivers doing what he did…Bravo!

Manager of the weak: The Big Gronks:  Because his QB didn’t even get a point! and he still won!

CFL Week 8 View from the Rafters

Week 8:  The Pointening!

Week 8! My team is awful! I’m awful! Personal crisis!

The Loose Ends vs Leather and Lacy

I’ve had a string of sub 80 point matches, so it is somewhat concerning that i may be moving to a league where guys who have 98.50 totals STILL lose. The Loose Ends took Stafford and Watkins’ totals and waved them proudly in an effort to take focus away from the guy in the middle, shitheel Brandon Marshall, who has been an absolute disappointment this year (I know because I have him! Hahaha *tears*). RBs did not  provide much this week for the Loose Ends, and the incredibly difficult pill to swallow was Cooks 21.80 contribution to the bench.  

On the naughtier side of things, Leather and Lacy had TWO positions register zero points and still came out with an epic point total. I suspect this was Kenny’s way of supporting his sister’s team, the Big Gronks, by showing her that a team CAN win with two positions that don’t do anything.

                                                  Their eyes say “we’ve been through some shit”

 Only Foles rush in VS Victorius Secret

I just…what? 141 points?  It’s taken me like, 3 weeks to get that! I don’t have much to say on this end, because it’s like a child trying to explain particle physics.  I don’t know what’s happening here.  I’m a little frightened, and a little turned on.

 

Coming back down to my level, Victorious Secret had a few good showings from Ryan, Hillman, and Buffalo, but the rest couldn’t bring the heat to contend against the freak of nature Only Foles this week. Maybe if we allowed tag teaming, where one team could add their points to another?  That’s all the help I can give Secrets…This was not a bout to be won by one man.

Suicidal Bunnies VS The Big Gronkowski

Y’know what’s harsh?  I can’t say shit about Big Gronks because we share 11th place in our respective leagues.  I’d like to think 11th place in the NFL is a sizeably prouder depression than CFL’s 11th place, but I don’t know anymore. Speaking of depression, thank you for winning this week, Bunnies.  I would have had to show the sad bunny, but instead I get to do this!

Awesome.  Look how much better that is.  Thanks go to Luck, Crosby, and…eh that’s basically it.

 

Plaxicos Thigh versus Emma’s Peachs

WHAAAAAAT!? Forget that statement about 98 points and still losing.  138 points and still losing is fucking straight up terrifying. Almost 300 points between you in one game.  I…It’s a thing of beauty. I guess Olsen and Nelson were the black sheep in an otherwise expertly crafted line up from both teams.  Can we give you both trophies this week?

                                                 Or just cover you both in gold spray paint? Cool?

Evil Equestranauts VS The Crew Sluts

Hey! The Crew Sluts won!

Happy? Suprised? Scared? Yes.

 Save for Manning and Tate (I said that last week!) Everyone on the Evil E’s did not show up.  4 players contributed less then 5 points each.  In a week where there are hundreds and hundreds of points being thrown around, this will not cut it.

The Crew Sluts were either stupidly smart, or stupidly lucky.  The WR/RB positions were all under projection, wait sorry. Richardson met his projection: 0.00. Good for him. Luckily (I think i just answered my own question), Miller and Fitzgerald had huge games, which pushed the Sluts to one of two wins this season!

The Bobbum Men VS Touchdown Syndrome

This has just gotten scarier the farther down the list I go.  Holy shit Bobbum.  Take your pick man, you’re worthy of any of these appropriate nicknames:

 

Or just take them all, your full name could be:  Mañana Fizzbitch Turbobuns. Wow.

Touchdown Syndrome  didn’t have a bad game, but didn’t have the statistical point equivalent to a kid with ALL the ADHD. Hilton had a great game, Bernard came back a bit, but otherwise it was slightly subpar.  I can’t even judge harshly though, I’m still kinda lost in the haze of Turbobuns.

Managers of the week:  Plaxico’s Thighs, Emma’s Peachs, The Bobbum Men,  Only Foles rush in, Leather and Lacy - The Pointening.  You guys contributed to it.  It was weird, it was hot, now let’s never talk about it again.

Managers of the weak:  Everyone else. While they contributed to what could only be described as this season’s “shower scene”, you guys were fumbling around with mediocrity and normalcy.  Feel bad, regroup, and show us next week you have the cojones to get soapy!

 

CFL Week 7 View from the Rafters

Week 7

Awww Sheeeeet, Week 7 Round up!

The Loose Ends VS Victorious Secret

Again! Stupid Defense. And Seattle of all D’s. Ugly week for Shane, as most players saw less than projected point totals outside of Watkins.  V Secrets saw good point production from Wallace, Cobb, and the Special Teams.  Highlight in this one has to be Demaryius Thomas, with 29.10 points 2 touchdowns and 171 yards. Even with shit RB production, the Secrets pulled the Schwarzenegger Secret and just relied entirely on FLEX.

Only Foles Rush In VS The Big Gronkowski

My fault BGs, I thought leaving out a Kicker and Defense was due to absent-mindedness.  After this weeks showing, I have to assume it was some whacky game of fantasy-chicken that just didn’t pan out.  Maybe go back to that, because this week was even more depressing, what with all those active players filling their intended positions.

                                                                                         Assholes

I can’t harp on the Gronks too much, they did have a good showing from their kicker. Which is hilarious.

Only Foles won a game! Yayyy! Smartly kept the Roethliscopter on who contribute 16.90, and Forte kept chugging with 22.90. Other than these two, there were no big contributors for the Foles, but when you’re up against a 51.20 total, you could do a lot of wrong and still get it right.

Suicidal Bunnies vs Emma’s Peachs 

Whoa.  An unusual game for the Bunnies with sad production from the majority of his group.  Luck did his thing, but in comparison to other Luck outings, he was shit.

                      
                                     Oh my god, win again soon, seeing a bunny cry is way too depressing.

On a less ‘cut’-y side of things, the Peachs had a few good souls decide to make rabbit stew this week, apparently fuelled by the above picture.  Brees won the QB position, while Bryant, McKinnon, and Olsen contributed enough to get Emma into the winner’s realm!

Plaxico’s Thigh VS Evil Equestranauts

Like the Bobbum Men last week, the Thighs took the entire concept of failure out back and shot it repeatedly.  Outside of Jackson, every position put up big numbers. Which makes me to assume the team is set up something like this:

Everyone save for Jackson is under, over, and all around the hood.  See Jackson?  He’s that front right flat tire.  Maybe it’s time to get a spare.

The Evil E’s had a disappointing week which looked better than it really was.  Manning and Tate had huge games, but they would have both had to have score 8 more TDs, ran the equivalent of a marathon and shived the rest of Plaxico’s team in order to have a chance this week with such poor representation from the rest of their roster. Tough loss Evil E’s!

Leather and Lacy VS Touchdown Syndrome

I think they made a movie about this matchup?

                                         

        

Man! .022 ekes the Leather over the Syndromes! This matchup saw Wilson completely obliterate St Louis with 37.12, and then sit grumpily on the sidelines to watch the rest of the roster completely fuck this one up for him.  Really, any one of the 6 other players just had to sneeze, and the momentum would have carried them the extra yardage to win this one.  Especially tough to swallow here, is Bernard’s 1.60 outing following the 20+ he got last week.  That has to sting.

Leather and Lacy took it with nothing amazing, no massive 6 TDs, pirouettes,or whatever Smith’s version of Tebowing is. Just several players meeting their projections.  Unfortunately, Bryant, Wayne and Walker had stinkers point-wise, but whatever! Game won!

The Bobbum Men vs The Crew Sluts

Remember that lewd comment made by the Loose Ends last week? about the quadriplegic 9 year old? This matchup provides us an opportunity to appreciate perspective.  Sure, that quaddy (Is that an offensive term? I’m abbreviating) has it rough, but he can still move his face.  And if he saw this matchup, he’d probably value that there are some things that can still make him laugh.

 

                                                  

                                                              Hahaha.  Also, I’m superman.

Bobbum didn’t have his best week, but he didn’t need it.  He could have had his worse and still come out with a sizeable lead.  Bell, Murray and Rodgers were basically the best 3-way out there, and helped Bobbum make his way to #1.

Manager of the week:  Emma’s Peaches -  Well played!  Many would be anxious of the Bunny, making weird wire pick ups, dropping solid players, trying to squeeze water from a rock, but you took him head on and came out on top!

Manager of the weak: The Big GronCrew Slutskies! Hurray! You both sucked this week!