While there were a number of interesting football stories in week 7, many of which I'll gloss over or totally neglect in order to get this recap in the can, the big story from week 7 was that Zach Veaner married his best friend Lizzie and it was a wonderful celebration of love, Overholt wealth, stellar brunch, and bourbon.
Anyway, let's see what happened with football!
Cut Like Lewis (Jesse #1) vs. The Footbalcoholics (Jesse #2)
I am under no delusions; my fantasy team has been an abject failure. While I thought I had drafted a decent team, it is now clear I have no idea what I'm doing and the Fantasy Gods are punishing me for going to buy baby supplies on the weekend instead of doing the right thing and watching football. My only wish throughout this dismal season is to at least win against those opponents where victory would provide some existential succor; my brother and father, to show I am the rightful heir to the Gainer billions, Iain Wills, to demonstrate that good should always triumph over Flannel, and Jesse Gouldson, because there can only be one.
Unfortunately, Jesse Gouldson has the unfair advantage of knowing what he is doing. Despite a nominal performances from QB Colin Kaepernick, who was held to a single TD and 283 yards of passing, the rest of the Footbalcoholics squad was fairly solid. WR Roddy white hauled in The Falcons sole TD against Baltimore, leading to a FAN score that was almost double his projection.
I really need to remember to listen to my gut, and then do the exact opposite. Matty Ice against Baltimore? Pffft.. player please! I had The Ravens defense for most of last season and would have earned a trophy if we were counting sadness and heartbreak as stats categories. Oh, what's that? Ravens D holds Matt Ryan to a single TD while Ryan Tannehill puts the crush on Da Bears? Chris Ivory in the Flex? Nah, fuck that, dude's been cold for 2 weeks against tough teams, let's go with Sanu while A.J. Green recovers. NOPE. FUCK.
The Mountain Men (Antoine) vs. John's Dazzling Team (John)
The reason the David and Goliath parable is so powerful is because nine times out of ten, David would have had his eyeballs pulled through his asshole in front of a cheering horde of spectators. Speaking of painful and embarrassing defeats, The Men easily ground Team Dazzle into something resembling a tangy baba ghannouj. With Nick Foles on bye week, The Men started Russell Wilson who quickly redeemed his ho-hum week 6 by putting up 313 passing yards, 106 rushing yards, and 2 TDs. DeMarco Murray had a predictably excellent outing against The Lord of Derp, rushing for 128 yards and a TD.
There was really little John's Dazzling Team could do this week. With both of his main RB's on bye week, Team Dazzle had to rely on the consistently brutal Carlos Hyde, who has amassed 18.60 FAN points between weeks 2 and 7. Wait, how many FAN points did Murray score this week? Oh...oh. that's ...well. While the bible does say Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Running Back, it also says something about not eating shellfish and that's just fucking stupid. John, covet away!
Bounty Hunters (Iain) vs. Troy Polamalu's Hair (Mich and Natasha)
If you're in a rush, just read the recap of the previous match up. Hoof, what a pounding. However unlike the Mountain Men / John's Dazzling Team bout, Yahoo! projections teased that this was going to be a proper contest as opposed to an episode of Cops. Unfortunately for Team Polamalu, their whole roster, save Drew Brees, Dez Bryant, and Joique Bell were doing their best impression of house cats with something tied around their midsection; initially hilarious, but also kind of cruel and something you can't watch for too long without feeling guilty.
The Hunters had another powerful showing in week 7. Demaryius Thomas caught 8 of the 9 passes thrown to him, pushing for 171 yards and 2 TDs. Wide receiver Sammy Watkins scored both TDs for for the Bills in their contest against the Vikings. Seriously, guys, this is getting ridiculous; letting Iain Wills win fantasy football would be an affront to basic human decency.
Concussed Criminals (Gabe) vs. Einhorn is Finkle (Kelleye)
That's a lot of fucking bears right there. While Einhorn is Finkle had a number of players exceed projection, it is unsurprising that one of them was QB Peyton Manning. Did anyone really think Manning would try to break Favre's all time TD record on the road against the Jets? That would be like giving your PHD thesis defense to a room of incontinent manatees and FOX News reporters. Manning wanted to get this done in Denver and he wasted no time against the 49ers, ending the night with 4 TD passes. Hilariously, it seems brother Eli, who sits on the Einhorn bench, sensed a need show the family he isn't a total disappointment and passed for 248 and 3 TDs. However, the Giants ultimately lost to the Cowboys, so it looks like Derpderp's still at the kids table come Manning family Christmas dinner.
While the Criminals were outmatched from the get go, the play of QB Jay Cutler, who managed a measly 190 yards passing and a single TD while coughing up a fumble, and fellow Chicago Bear Alshon Jeffery who was unable to reel in any of Cutler's shitty pass attempts, really nailed the Criminal coffin lid shut. Fate was also most unkind at the Tight End position. TE Jace Amaro (side bar: What the fuck kind of first name is "Jace"? Really? Is your brother named Spence? Do you both come from a long, storied line of assholes?) was the proper choice, as alternate TE Owen Daniels was facing a Falcons team who have allowed the fewest FAN points to TEs this season. So of course, Daniels goes on to have a huge game against Atlanta, scoring an early TD in the first quarter while Amaro is held to 22 yards receiving.
I have't seen a tall blonde lady give an Asian guy this much trouble since Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom.
Brolo el Cunado (Andrew) vs. Spud and Stud (Zach)
Having only been married for 3 years so far I cannot claim to be an expert, however I do know that the vows we make oblige us to be loving and patient in good times and in frustrating times (Mind you, since my entire ceremony was in Greek, I'm not exactly sure what I signed up for. Fairly certain I'm batting a thousand as long as I eat lamb four times a year, cheat on my taxes, and carry disdain for the Turkish).
So one would assume that fantasy football would be the farthest thing from both Zach and Lizzie's minds the day after their wedding as they prepare to leave on their honeymoon. Their focus is, rightly, on each other, not Zach's ultra-tight match up against Team Raffi. But one has to wonder how tempting it was to haul out the smartphone mid-coitus just to see how that other tight end was doing. (thanks, I'll be here all week)
However, I think it's safe to say that Zach's mind was firmly elsewhere in week 7, considering he chose to start the Potato instead of Tom Brady, whose Patriots were facing the increasingly embarrassing Jets. Team Brolo took the week by a hair, edging over the Spuds by 1.24 FAN points.
Congrats once again to Zach and Lizzie; may your marriage be a keeper league where you never have to check the waiver wire.
Halifax Explosions (Ryan) vs. The Toucherdowners (Mounia)
From the Smack Talk board:
Halifax Explosions: "Tied at current projections! Though I feel my 89.15 is just, qualitatively better."
I'd be interested to know how Team Splody came to that particular conclusion. Could it have been the play of Brandon Marshall? No, he only caught 6 passes for 48 yards. How about James Jones? 4 catches for 35 yards. Andre Holmes? Phil Dawson? Clay Harbor? I'm no scientist, but if we plot the quantitative data on a graph, you get a line that resembles a very sad penis.
I'd congratulate the Toucherdowners on a great week, but that would presuppose they actually had a great week, which they most certainly did not. However, I must give credit for finally putting Kirk Cousins safely on the bench where one would assume he will be prevented from throwing interceptions.
Manager of the Week: Spud and Stud (Zach): Way to lock up a key pick, homie.
Manager of the Weak: Concussed Criminals (Gabe): My friend, that's four losses in a row. I beleive it's time to start wheeling and dealing; it would be incredibly embarrassing if you finish the year with a worse record that Cut Like Lewis.
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