Cut Like Lewis (Jesse#1) vs Halifax Explosions (Ryan)
I've mentioned previously that there are particular match ups throughout this season that I imbue with special significance. While there is a good chance I'm shipping off to Winnipeg next year, I can at least cherish a few victories against those special opponents and I while I failed to get the job done against my father or the dreaded Lord Beardplaid, I was able to best my brother in a match up that could only be described as an epic slugfest between two mighty behemoths! I mean, you could also describe it as a low-scoring slapfight between two medicore teams desperately trying to stay out of Canada, but only Iain Wills would be cruel enough to use such language.
The key story here, of course, is the quarterback duel; my squad and Team Splody started Ryan Tannehill and Phillip Rivers respectively, two QB's who happened to be facing off in week 9. So, let's go to the numbers; Tannehill passed for 288 yards, rushed for another 47 yards, and completed 3 TDs without a single interception. Not bad! Meanwhile, Phillip Rivers watched a few episodes of Malcolm in The Middle, thought about getting ice cream but then decided he didn't want ice cream, and was intercepted 3 times. Okay, so maybe he didn't do those first two things, but they would have earned him just as many FAN points as whatever the fuck it was he was trying to do on the football field.
TWO WEEK STREAK BABY! I GO HARD IN THE MOTHERFUCKING PAINT! GET THE CHAMPAGNE READY! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
The Mountain Men (Antoine) vs. Brolo el Cunado (Andrew)
Holy Moly! Typically when Ben Roethlisberger does something this shocking, it's accompanied by police paper work. Big Ben has now thrown for 6 TD's in two straight games, completing 25 of 37 passes for 340 yards against The Ravens and racking up 35.70 fan points, Team Rafi's FAN point total was also aided by one of Roethlisberger's receivers as rookie Martavis Bryant, who only made is NFL debut in week 7, caught 3 of 5 passes thrown to him for 44 yards and 2 TDs.
While The Men's RB's continue to produce, especially Mark Ingram who seems to have fully recovered from a shoulder injury that held him out for a good chunk of the early season, The Seahawks offensive coach seems to be trying a bizarre new strategy in which their receiving core remains hidden in coverage. While this new tactic seems to be working gangbusters for the Hawk's ground game, it leaves QB Russell Wilson with little to do. This does force Wilson to run with the ball rather frequently, which is a really great strategy for a promising young Quarterback. Just ask Washington.
Bounty Hunters (Iain) vs. The Footbalcoholics
Guys, real talk? We've lost focus. Iain Wills is a malignant tumor who grows by feeding on despair and Fantasy football wins. This needs to end.
The Hunters were able to bust projection despite having no alternative but to starting RB Charles Sims, who was ruled out of Week 9 due to an ankle injury. Making up for Sims goose egg were WR Antonio Brown, who racked up 144 yards and hauled in 1 TD, and RB Jeremy Hill who rushed for 154 yards and 2 TDs.
The Footbalcoholics continued to see strong numbers from reliable players such as Arian Foster, how put up a combined 119 yards and 1 TD, Rob Gronkowski, who caught 9 of 10 passes for 105 yards and 1 TD, and Andre Ellington who combined for 134 yards and 1 TD. Unfortunately, The Footbalcoholics needed much better numbers from a few key players, most notably Cordarelle Patterson who was held to a paltry 9 yards.
Here's hoping Brolo el Cunado can finally put a sword into this bearded Smugbeast in week 10.
Concussed Criminals (Gabe) vs. John's Dazzling Team (John)
Or in this case, with New England wide receivers (sure, a bit of a stretch, but how fucking rad is that picture? I know, right?). John's Dazzling Team got burned hard in week 8, as Patriots' QB Tom Brady stuck with Brandon LaFell and Rob Gronkowski, the Betty and Veronica to his Archie, leaving Dazzler players Danny Amendola and Julian Edelman, the....uh. Mr. Weatherbee and Ethel to his...wow, where was I going with that? Anyways, Amendola and Edelman were all but ignored in week 8 and subsequently posted low FAN point totals, which tanked John's chances against Ol' Fur Face. You might think that The Dazzlers would be skittish to field these guys this week, considering the Pats were facing The Broncos, but John's faith was partially rewarded; Edelman caught 9 of 10 passes for 89 yards receiving and a touchdown, and then returned a punt 84 yards for another major. Danny Amendola was another story; Yahoo's advice? " He can't be relied upon as a WR5 in fantasy leagues." Ouch! How embarrassing! "Sorry Danny, we just feel that this bag of expired fruit snacks and Bran Van 3000 CD's is a more reliable option for the Patriot's moving forward. Hey, I hear Ottawa has an expansion team now! I can make some phone calls!"
The Criminals had a relatively soft week, despite a good game from Carson Palmer (3 TDs, 249 pass yards) and Denard Robinson (104 total yards, 1 TD), who has certainly been a pleasant surprise over the last 3 weeks. Kelvin Benjamin had a case of the dropsies in week 9, catching only 2 of 10 passes thrown to him (to be fair, Cam Newton wasn't exactly throwing lasers). Tight End and future Jedi Knight Jace Amaro didn't get a single target in the Jet's game against the Chiefs.
Gabe, here's hoping your wheeling and Dealing of Carson Palmer bears some fruit.
Einhorn is Finkle (Kelleye) vs. Troy Polamalu's Hair (Natasha and Mich)
...said most members of team Einhorn is Finkle. Everyone outside of Peyton Manning and NE kicker Stephan Gostkowski just took their foot off the gas and gave a solid "C" effort in week 9. Pierre Garcon was all but ignored in Washington's game against the Vikings, seeing only 5 targets that netted him a total of 15 yards. RB Isaiah Crowell was technically active when the Browns faced the Buc's, but saw no playtime whatsoever. There were big hopes for Brandin Cooks this week after a stellar week 8 performance that saw the wide receiver haul in 6 of 7 passes for 94 yards and a TD, however QB Drew Brees doesn't like to play favorites, spreading the ball between 8 receivers in week 9 leaving Cooks with 3 catches for 36 yards. Bright side? At least this week Team Einhorn's defense wasn't actively playing against them.
Team Jeremy Maclin looked great again this week, with a total team output of 158 receiving yards and 2 TDs in their game against the Texans. Look for Team Maclin to continue their bold strategy of starting Jeremy Maclin for weeks to come.
Spud and Stud (Zach) vs. The Toucherdowners (Mounia)
With a week 9 win over Spud and Stud, the Toucherdowners now have a winning record and have earned the right be taken seriously until they implode in week 10. Well done! The Toucherdowners got help from multiple positions; Joe Flacco redeemed himself against the Steelers, passing for over 300 yards and 2 TDs, DeSean Jackson was clearly RG3's go-to guy against the Vikings with 120 receiving yards and 1 TD, and last but not least, Marshawn Lynch finally remembered how to turn on "Beast Mode" putting up a combined 143 yards and 2 TDs. One of his TD's required he drag the entire Raiders secondary on his back to cross the goal line, so The Toucherdowners must be relieved to know that Lynch can indeed carry a team.
while the Spuds were predicted to win in week 9, having both The Potato and star running back Matt Forte out on bye week was a huge setback and unfortunately both Trent Richardson and Ben Tate were, at best, Mezzo-Forte, but more accurately Mezzo-Piano (Musical notation jokes FOR THE WIN!)
Player of the Week: John's Dazzling Team - While Amendola burned you, relying on the Pats to get it done against Denver turned out to be a smart play. Well done, pop pop!
Player of the Weak: Concussed Criminals - Gabe, it pains me to hand this honor to you again. Thankfully it looks like you've made a number of moves in preparation for week 10. Hopefully, they work out better for you than week 9 studs Jace Amaro and Lorenzo Taliaferro.
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