Cut Like Lewis (Jesse #1) vs. Brolo el Cunado (Andrew)
OH MAN WINNING FEELS SO GODDAMN MAGNIFICENT! See that awesome Gif up there? Switch out Price Adam's sword for my penis and that's about as accurate an expression of my sheer joy as you can get. This match up shared a number of similar qualities with my only other win this season; my opponent was projected to easily win the week, and things were looking pretty grim for me during the Sunday Early games. Ryan Tannehill almost completely fucked the mission, only finding the end zone in the second half for a single TD. I tricked Chris Ivory into thinking he was on my bench, so naturally he rushed for 43 yards and 2 touchdowns.
For Team Cunado, Aaron Rodgers had a decent showing despite Green Bay getting blown out by the Saints 44-23, passing for over 400 yards and added a rushing and passing TD. Things were not so rosy for Rafi's receivers and running backs, who combined for a total of 33 FAN points between 6 players.
What kept Cunado in the game and kept this match up close was the defensive battle. Miami was insane racking up 4 sacks and 2 touchdowns. thankfully, my Chiefs were equally resplendent, sacking Sam Bradford 7 times and scoring a touchdown. YOU GUYS I LOVE FANTASY FOOTBALL AGAIN!
The Mountain Men (Antoine) vs. The Footbalcoholics (Jesse #2)
Man, that's cold! The Men put up numbers that should normally earn a win, but ends up losing by a mere 3.5 points to a team featuring Tony Romo at QB. Now while it is true that Romo and the Cowboys have looked shockingly good this season, there is still a stain associated with Ol' Sausage fingers and America's team, and for The Footbalcoholics to put up 127.96 FAN points despite Romo having a pretty "meh" game against Washington is insult heaped upon injury.
Truth be told, this was one of those match ups where criticizing is stupid; both the Men and the Footbalcoholics posted over 120 FAN points with numerous players on either side exceeding projection. For example, what a game from The Gronk! That Dunkin Donuts Breakfast Sandwich eatin' motherfucker was clearly Brady's red zone favorite against The Bears, with Gronkowski hauling in 3 TD passes.
What is truly fascinating, and from Antoine's perspective absolutely heartbreaking, is the embarrassment of riches on The Men's bench. Here we see 74.12 points worth of "What If's" and "Should Haves"; monuments to alternate futures in which The Men had ended Gouldson's winning streak. Alas, it was not to be. Maybe there is some solace to be had in the knowledge that his bench squad would have easily dispatched with The Toucherdowners in week 8?
Bounty Hunters (Iain) vs. John's Dazzling Team (John)
For regular readers of the weekly recap, you know I tend to take great pleasure in roasting my dear ol' Dad. Normally, I'd take this week's loss as another opportunity to take a few pot shots, especially after the cruel defeat he handed me in week 6. However this week I was really rooting for my old man; he'd assembled a solid line up and had a legitimate shot to end the 6-game win streak of current league #1 and accused puppy drowner the Bounty Hunters.
the Dazzler's QB Andrew Luck posted a tasty 28.60 FAN point total despite losing to the Steelers, passing for 400 yards and 3 TDs. Veteran wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald put up season-high numbers against the Eagles, pulling in 7 of 10 passes for 160 yards and 1 TD. However, poor showings from Patriots receivers Justin Edelman and Danny Amendola really hurt John's chances, as Brady focused almost all of his attention on Gronkoski and LeFell in their game against the Bears.
The Hunters had another stupid, great, awful, shithead week, with highlight performances from Antonio Brown who went for a combined 138 yards and 2 TDs, and WR Sammy Watkins who has now strung together two 20+ point weeks.
Ladies and Gentlemen, that now makes seven wins in a row. I'm starting to question your commitment to Sparkle Motion.
Concussed Criminals (Gabe) vs. Troy Polamalu's Hair (Mich and Natasha)
You and me both, J-man! As one of the bottom feeders of Nutritious Friggin Legumes, my only hope is that others get dragged down into the muck with me! Big kudos to Team Polamalu, who I hope send a nice card and a festive but tasteful gift basket full of scented candles and erotic Star Wars fan fiction to Wide Receiver Jeremy Maclin who caught 12 of 16 targets for 187 yards and 2 TDs, thus single-handedly carrying Team Troy to victory with a huge 30.70 FAN point total.
The Criminals had a few performances of note; Jay Cutler made up for week 7's shittiness by posting a +20 FAN point total against the Patriots, passing for 227 yards, 2 TDs and two 2pt converts. Jamaal Charles earned a combined 111 yards and 2 rushing TDs. Unfortunately this was not enough to beat Jeremy Maclin.
Welcome to Hell, Gabe! At least now I don't need to focus success, just relatively less failure than you!
Einhorn is Finkle (Kelleye) vs. The Toucherdowners (Mounia)
It truly boggles the noggin that The Toucherdowners somehow earned 4 wins this season. After cycling through a number of disappointing and interception-prone QBs, The Toucherdowners finally settled on Mean Joe Flacco just in time for him to go completely limp in week 8 against the Bengals, recording no TDS, under 200 yards of passing, and 2 Interceptions for a total of 7 FAN points. Say it ain't so, Joe! However, it's really not fair to heap all blame for The Toucherdowner's abysmal week at Joe's feet, as the rest of the squad, outside of DeSean Jackson, was pretty horrible. I haven't been keeping track, but this is the first time I remember a fantasy team going a whole week without a single touchdown. slowclap.
Team Einhorn was therefor lucky to draw a light matchup in week 8, as their 83.34 FAN point total would have meant a loss against any other opponent. Peyton Manning continues his wholesome, fresh faced farm boy reign of terror, passing for 286 yards and 3 TDs against the chargers. Wide Receiver Golden Tate was the adjective you would use to describe a a man with the first name Golden when they perform admirably, catching 7 passes for 151 yards and 1 TD. The Chicago Bears defense require me to search out an antonym for that adjective. There are many options. I'm going to go with "shit".
Halifax Explosions (Ryan) vs. Spud and Stud (Zach)
You've got to admire the brilliant, evil genius of Patriot's head coach Bill Belichick. After week 4's embarrassing loss to Kansas City, what does Bill do? Extra practice time for the receiving core? Long film study sessions with the offensive line? Redouble efforts to steal opposing team's playbooks? No, Ol' Bill knows just what will turn things around; Jimmy Garoppolo. Is Jimmy a good Quarterback? Who gives a shit?! Look at him! 28% of American's are having a wet dream involving this guy right now! Lulu Lemon uses his image in focus groups to test their yoga pants for moisture absorption. He can actually smile in a school zone without being questioned by authorities. Predictably, Tom Brady reacted like most spurned, jealous lovers by going on a stellar winning streak. Week 8's performance against the Bears can only be described using the magic of imagery;
The Patriots are going to pay Garoppolo $3.3 million over 4 years simply to sit on the bench as a constant reminder to Brady that Belichick likes them young and fresh. Gross.
Manager of the Week: Cut Like Lewis (Jesse): ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP BABY! WOOOOOOO!
Manager of the Weak: The Toucherdowners (Mounia): Are your players too good for the end zone? Is this some meta version of football that transcends scoring?
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