CFL Week 6 - View from the Rafters

Week 6:  View from the Rafters

Welcome to Week 6, CFL! No time like the present (4 weeks later) to dive right in!

The Loose Ends vs The Big Gronkowski

The Big Gronks must have taken my Prater jabs to heart, as evidenced by taking both her kicker AND defence out of her roster and ‘just going the f*ck home.”.  Not only does having 2 less members in your roster hurt your chances of winning, but when some of the remaining members register less than a point, it’s not going to end well.  Spiller finished with -0.10, which makes me assume he saw my ability to travel back in time to discuss week events, and in trying to mimic that skill, fell backwards in the snap and lost himself a few yards.

The Loose Ends had  enough powerful showings from Marshall, Tate, Smith, and the Seattle D to get the win. I mean that.  Just these four would have won the game, allowing the remaining 5 players to get a beach day! BEACH DAY! Let’s remember the very accurate words of Loose Ends during this week’s thrashing: “I feel like I'm beating up a 9 year old on the playground. Oh, and the 9 year old is a quadriplegic. Also, he peed himself.”.  Well put.

 Only Foles Rush In vs Emma’s Peaches

Tight matchup this week, which is surprising since Emma’s Peachs’ QB Teddy BridgeWater (he’s as intimidating as he sounds) registering a paltry 5.62, less then his projected total, which was already garbage for a QB.  The special teams were a highlight for the Peachs, with Gostkowski grabbing 17 and the Philly D with 20 points.  Unfortunately for the Peachs, Williams, Allen and Bryant flopped hard like a 9 year old quadriplegic at a playground (Where do I come up with these!?).

Only Foles got a great push from Matt Forte with 27.70 and Al shone (Ha!) with 13.60.  Ben Roethliscopter came in at a disappointing 12.82.  At this point, maybe Ben should be replaced with Foles for subsequent match-ups?

***********TELEGRAM FROM THE FUTURE***************

Oh, what’s this?  It’s addressed to Only Foles?

-“Don’t you fucking dare leaving Ben on the bench. He’s got scary production coming.  Also, Ryan, don’t eat the fish the sketchy street vendor gave you for “Heff Off! 1/? You will regret it.”

 Suicidal Bunnies VS Evil Equestranauts

The Bunnies have dealt with their Major Depressive Disorder and turned in a week 6 win! Luck was unsurprising in his owner-dom, and McCoy, Bell, and Thomas all registered over their projected totals. Even with Harvin and the Evil Cincinnati’s trying to take away the win, The Bunnies persevered

A difficult bye week for the Evil E’s, Manning was a main contributor with 21.48 points while his brother watched caustically from the Evil E’s bench. You’ve had your chance Eli. Bailey and Denver contributed 30 points for the E’s, being the second team to bring legitimate firepower in the special teams position.  Unfortunately for the E’s, the entire WR/RB position could only contribute single digits.  As a result, Evil E presented a single digit of her own to her active roster… 

 Plaxico’s Thigh vs The Crew Sluts

Speaking of single digit production, what’s that thing Plaxico has none of? Almost all players contribute  over 10 points, with Philip Rivers registering 25.82 big ones to help with a week 6 win.

Speaking of single digit production, what’s that thing The Crew Sluts has none of?  Vereen and Donnell were at less than 1 point each, bringing disappointment and shame to both their families.  A good showing from Smith Sr, Fitzgerald at FLEX and the New England D, however it just wasn’t enough to get the best of the Thighs. What must really tickle, is the benching of a few players that could have pushed the favor in the Sluts direction.  Kaepernick had a monster game with 3 pass TDs, Crowell’s rush TD and the San Fran D decided they were tired with seeing the offence score all the time, they decided to grab one for themselves.  However, none of these contributions registered for the Sluts.  To end with a term I’m sure the Crew Sluts are well accustomed to: Tough Titties!

Victorious Secret VS Touchdown Syndrome

Again, what is with Defense being the equivalent to Dick Dasterdly and Muttley? Just trying to fuck everything up for everyone? Well, they certainly weren’t the lynchpin in an otherwise great showing this week for V. Secrets, as Jackson, Johnson, and Walsh went below projection.  Ryan had a disappointing game, which is surprising, because I assumed all Ryans excelled at everything? He’ll probably have to turn in his Ryan badge.

The Syndromes won! If I could effectively wrap ISIS and Ebola into a football name adequate of displaying the amount of trepidation and fear you deserve, I would.  Wilson was certainly ‘meh’, but the highlight this week was Hilton and Bernard going for exactly, EXACTLY 50 points between the two of them.  That’s terrifying. San Diego didn’t take away any points, but they didn’t really help all that much either.  They’re the equivalent of Wacky Races’ Lazy Luke and Blubber Bear in the Arkansas Chuggabug (I’m not making that up, they actually sound f*cking amazing.).

Leather and Lacy vs The Bobbum Men

A rough loss for Leather and Lacy, but a very-well deserved win for the Bobbum Men who absolutely destroyed the shit out of everyone this week with a 138.66 total!  Rodger’s Rodger’ed, and…holy shit, I’ve never seen numbers like this.  I’ve heard about numbers like this, but just being close to them…makes you feel all tingly. Aside from shitbird Welker, everyone on the Bobbum roster put up great numbers.  What’s your bench look…Aw! The Bobbum Bench did well too! Scary this guy.

Leather and Lacy benched Brady and everyone was like ‘the fuck?’, but he was all…no, no, it’s cool, i’ve got (dramatic pause) Joe Flacco! To which everyone replied with acidic laughter, like the kind other kids give to the 9 year old quadriplegic kid who just fell off the swing set.  But Leather and Lacy got the last laugh (not really, he still lost, but we’re looking for positives here.), with Flacco having an amazing 32.24 points with 5, FIVE pass TDs! Everyone within a 500 ft radius of Arian Foster ‘Splooshed’ due to the 26.10 points he put up.  Unfortunately for L&L, they were a little weak with Wayne and Lacy, but there’s no fault here.  Bobbum just had a massive game! Well won!

Manager of the Week:  Bobbum Men…Wow. Just all kinds of fear-induced bed-wetting goodness here.  Unfortunately my team is tanking to the point I may have to face this next season!

Manager of the Weak: The Big Absentees - Leigh, fantasy is not golf.  You need to amass points, not eagerly tank them towards 0.