Week 9
The Loose Ends vs The Bobbum Men
The first match up this week found Bobbum Men take first with a
decisive victory over the Loose Ends, also extending the Bobbum streak (that
sounds dirty, that’s probably dirty) to 6 in a row.
Lynch and Morris were the main streakers for the Loose Ends,
contributing almost 50 points between the two of them. Unfortunately, WRs disappointed in their
positions, registering a sickly 5.7 between them.
Most things went right for Bobbum, with Tannehill having his best
game of the season with 3 TDs, 288 Yds and no interceptions. Luckily for the Bobbums, Green, Beckham Jr,
and Gronk helped make up for the poor showings from Taliaferro and Murray. Both
teams had 3 significant Bye week issues each, with Marshall, Stafford, Rodgers,
and Cobb as notable absences. Lyrical
wordsmiths, NSYNC, had foreseen this issue years ago, and expertly crafted the
fantasy warning for week 9 owners in their song, ‘Bye, Bye, Bye’. At least that’s what I assume it
was about, I couldn’t get past the first verse with out
vomicrying.
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| “No, no, these are tears of joy and puke of excitement!” |
Only Foles rush in vs Leather and Lacy
Hoo boy…That’s Gronk-level
production there, Only Foles. There wasn’t much Only Foles
could do but watch every member of her fantasy team remind her of the
importance of having several interests, hobbies, varied skills and talents so
that when one ability completely tanks, one can depend on the others for solace
and meaning. I hope you play a mean game
of chess, Only Foles.
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| I only had to slaughter 6 baby cows to make this beautiful scarf-hat! |
Randle, Ivory, Ertz, Benjamin, Bullock. Not only did they come under projection, most
contributed 1/5th of their projections.
What Only Foles will likely be beating herself up about (Ben could
help!), was leaving Roethliscopter on the bench when he went ROFLCOPTER and
threw 6 GODDAMN TOUCHDOWN PASSES! A tough decision led to missing out on one of
the highest point totals for QB in recent memory.
Leather and Lacy had his two main contributors, Brady and Foster,
do their thing. Leather and Lacy also received the win without any contribution
from TE Green. Judging by his stat
lines, Green gives 50% effort 25% of the time, with 4 weeks of absolutely no
point generation. Again, I think Leigh
gets the picture Kenny, Winning all your match ups with one or more players
contributing nothing is now just showing off.
Suicidal Bunnies vs Victorious Secret
Okay, whoa. You lose, I
show a crying bunny. You win, I show a
happy bunny. This week seems like you’re
going overboard with confidence as 129.86 was by far the highest point total in
week 9 compared to the rest of the unfluffy ‘normies’. Andrew Luck passed for 4 TDs, and 354 Pass Yds. J. HIll, who I assume is Jonah Hill, played
the football equivalent of that time in SuperBad when he realized someone bled ‘naughty’
blood on his pant leg. No stopping him, he rushed for 2 TDs and 154 Rush
Yds. Apparently, Robinson can play both
WR and RB positions and it rewarded him this week with 16.4 points. That’s great and all, but show me a QB-K,
or a TE-DEF…Then I’ll be Impressed!
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| OC: Man, I don’t think kicking all the time is…QB-K “KICK ALL THE TIME RAARRRRRR!” |
Victorious Secret did no wrong his week, but had a few
unfortunate productions from Wallace, Oliver and Walsh, which was enough to
hold the team back from getting up to 100+ territory.
Plaxico’s Thigh vs The Big Gronkowski
Oh I feel your pain! I know the anguish, the hurt! Having Rivers
get less than 1 point as a QB completely devastated our teams into week 9 Loss….Aw
What!? You won anyway!? That’s
impressive! Rivers was the unruly roster warmer that just took up space not
doing anything except looking at sacks all day.
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| “Jokes on you, my sack’s been gone for years, haha…*tears*” |
Plaxico got big contributors from Brown, Boldin, Charles, and
Vinatieri. The Big Gronks, just can’t
catch a break. Another zero contributor, Royal did absolutely nothing this week, while Maclin tore
into the Texans with 2 Receiving TDs and 158 Yds. Between him and Jackson, it
looked as if Gronks could break the 3 game losing streak, but unfortunately she
forgot about Dre…Sorry, Dray. Jim Dray. 0% Owned,
registering only 2.6 this week. Tough
loss Gronks!
Evil Equestranauts vs Emma’s Peachs
Snide reared his ugly head again as the Denver Bronco’s
D went for -1.00, and there was enough stank on the Evil E’s
roster to get the Peachs a week 9 win.
Although Evans had an absolute monster of a game with 2 Touchdowns, it
was the work of Patterson, Thompson and Hawkins who kept Evil E’s
in the ball pit of mediocrity.
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| Yay. |
Emma’s Peaches on the other hand, got solid
production from Brees, Ingram, Lafell and Gostkowski which helped carry the WR
woes of Allen and Bryant. It must be tough to see 22 points just go to waste on
the Peachs Bench, while Evil E’s would have done terrible things to
simply get her Defence into the positive.
Touchdown Syndrome vs The Crew Sluts
Hahaha. Ew.
I shouldn’t laugh. There’s a reason they shut down production
of Bum Fights. It’s demoralizing,
demeaning to all involved, but the sick fascination with watching two car
wrecks attack each other is something real in all of us. The same can be said with this week’s
matchup between the Syndromes and the Sluts, out of sheer respect for those
less fortunate, I was going to end with my ‘Ew.’
comment, and be on my way…but something draws me in, sits me
down, and makes me investigate. I’m not proud of it.
The Syndromes were prepared for upset out of the gate, with only
75 points projected for the week. It’s
as if every player got together before Sunday and declared a new found love for
pacifism, with most registering between the 3-4 point mark, and Wilson going
well under with just 10 points. At least they all contributed though, which is
more than you can say about The Sluts.
Crowell was decidedly absent, and outside of Vereen’s
efforts, the rest just fell flat. There’s not much more to say on this one, I
think a well placed photo is the best summation I can give:
Manager of the week:
Plaxico’s Thigh: Anyone who
is able to win with Rivers doing what he did…Bravo!
Manager of the weak: The Big Gronks: Because his QB didn’t even get a point!
and he still won!
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