Week 5: View from the Rafters

Week 5:  View from the Rafters

Ah Week 5. Let’s remember this as the week the Halifax Explosions rose from the dank pit of 8^th place despair to a slightly above average 5^th.   Such an ascendency makes climbing Everest look like a day hike for underprivileged youth.  I feel good. Still, while basking in the fruits of proper waiver pickups and Philip Rivers’ domination of huckin’ pig, I think it’s important not to forget the little guys in the NFL. What’s the point of gaining such traction, confidence, and >.500 W/L record if not to share it with the common folk?  It’s for that reason I extend an olive branch to my brother and father, teasing the 11^th and 12^th place positions in the league.  Age has refined their role as pedagogues, and in providing me with all the unique insights, lessons, and keen intellectual acumen successful fantasy team owners need to succeed,  they’ve left little to none of these skills for themselves (obviously). True selflessness like this should be acknowledged, and rewarded. Unfortunately, try as I might this olive branch can’t reach that far down the ranking list, so you chumps are on your own.  Let’s see what the CFL got up to this week!

The Loose Ends v Emma’s Peachs

I’ve always been confused why this game is called football.  Why not Catch’n’Throw, Pigball, Into the Ovoid, or ‘That thing we do to pass the time between domestic assault charges’? This week’s matchup between the Loose Ends and the Peaches reaffirms “football” is it’s most properest (:D) of names. Dawson and Gostkowski scored 41.00 points between the two of them. This must have been a significant kick in the Pigballs for the Loose Ends, as he lost out to winning this kicking match between the two by a point.  Other bright lights for the Peachs was Olsen, Bryant, and Indianapolis, who I assume have their defense practice weekly at the Indy 500 and just stand in the middle of the track grunting.

The Loose Ends had disappointing efforts from Stafford, Marshall, Morris and Cooks. Sure, there were a few good apples this week, but just like a certain Creek-based TV series, the only one worth rooting for was Dawson. Not that I watched…I just… 

Smoke Bomb! Or wait, shit, this might be tear gas. Cover your various holes.

Only Foles rush in VS Evil Equestranauts

Remember that last sentence (so long ago…) about Van Der Beek being the one to root for? The Durr Himself? Only Foles’ consistent missteps and completely horrid record have made me want to rewatch Varsity Blues just so Van Der Beek’s “Mox” will help me remember what it’s like to hope again. To be fair, not many could contend with the Evil E’s Manning, who went for 32.96 points and at this point was thinking to himself “Man, I think I could totally break Brett Favre's career touchdown record with an eight-yard pass to Demaryius Thomas…Like, in some future game down the road.” Wow.  Okay, Sorry Only Foles…I didn’t know this fantasy allowed f*cking wizards. 

Gandalf: “Just say the f*cking word…”

Tate and Quick had huge games for the Evil E’s this week too.  A surprising game for Quick, who usually doesn’t have the same pep his name implies. Though, if I had a guy on my team named Jonathan Scoresabunch or Benjamin Touchdown, I’d feel weird not playing them. Both teams missed out on some heavy points on the bench, but I point the finger at Foles for not getting Forsett and Jeffrey involved, especially with the icy cold game Kelvin had.  Sorry, that joke was luke warm. 

Suicidal Bunnies Vs Plaxico’s Thigh

The Bunnies lost!? All hail new CFL leader Plaxico’s Thigh! Let’s hope you don’t do anything stupid with this opportunity and shoot yourself in the…hmm.

Both teams had positive outings from their QBs while half their WR lines showed up for work.  This game also had two monstrous games from the TE spots, combining for 36.8 points. Maybe they want us to change the name of football again? Sorry Tight Ends, your position is too suggestive to have the word “ball” crammed in alongside it.  Unfortunately for the Bunnies, not much could have been done as their bench registered 10.90 points.  It’s gotta be disheartening to know you could have added six more players then the other guy, just said ‘f*ck it, let em ALL play’, and still have ended up losing.    

The Big Gronkowski vs Touchdown Syndrome

34.24 points from your QB and you lost? No, I didn’t mistakenly keep the text bold; I’m underscoring how terrible your team played. Aside from the 2 Pass TDs, 122 Rush Yds and 201 Pass Yds from Wilson and a hefty amount of effort from Gore, everyone else on the Touchdowns were upsetting.  Knile Davis went from playing jazz to joining a brit-pop band that sings exclusively about feeling good when you’re doing poorly in life. I just hope this helps him out after contributing only .60 points this week.  His doppelnile, Niles Paul, did just as atrociously and didn’t even have that silent K weighing him down.  For Kshame, you two. 

Oh god, Leigh. You won, somehow.  Cutler and Wright had excellent games, and Maclin helped with a Receiving Touchdown against the Rams, but everyone else went 6 points or under. Not that they’ll be around much longer – Spiller is out for the season, Sproles is currently injured, and Gerhart got hurt during this week’s matchup.  With two players already on IR on the bench, you may need to do some serious shopping. 

Did this one come off a little negative? I’m sorry.  Here, here’s a picture of a kitten:

Coincidentally, this little guy put up more points than most your team. Aww.

Victorius Secret vs The Bobbum Men

This one comes down to outliers versus normal bell curves. The Secrets had Demaryius Thomas secure 34.60 points with 2 touchdowns and 226 Receiving yds.  Outside of that, everyone else was the special place between luke warm and the temperature of teardrops.  Ryan under-produced thanks to an interception in the 3^rd, and Taliaferro just stood there. Watching.

The Bobbum Men had almost everyone show up to play Pigdick! Wait, shit, sorry…Football. This whole theme of changing the name is getting confusing.  Rodgers had 3 pass TDS, Green got one, and so did the Gronk! Maybe the most impressive part of Bobbum’s team depth is the fact half his bench just went out for smokes and never returned…That’s the only way I can explain not having a full stack of go-to players.  Did someone hurt you, Bobbum? Did someone mangle your equipmunk? Speaking of useless bench spots, I think it’s about time C. Johnson (C.Johnson: “NOT THAT C. JOHNSON!!”) goes out for a pack of Marlboro’s himself.  I wouldn’t normally advocate this, but given his recent numbers, maybe COPD could propel Johnson for a few extra yards through the sheer force of constantly coughing up bile? Just a thought. 

This is all I got when I google’d “Funny COPD pics”

Leather and Lacy VS The Crew Sluts

Whaaaat! This was another big win for Leather and Lacy, who absolutely decimated the Crew Sluts by a margin of 68.38 points. Not unlike his sister’s win, Kenny can contribute this to 3 players (Lacy, Foster, and the Green Bay D) with Robinson  helping out with 15.70 points.  This unorthodox strategy of having a few A-list players seep the life force of your remaining active roster to gain superhuman abilities may have severe ethical and moral implications, but hey, it wins football games! I just hope Michael Floyd gets to take a breather since this vampiric cult of fantasy feeders must have double-dipped on his abilities, leaving him with only .70 to contribute.  Leather and Lacy’s bench was lacking the spark from previous weeks, but it’s important to note Ellington’s behemoth game off the Bye.  With such depth at the RB position, Leather and Lacy has a nice opportunity to go WR1-2 shopping.

Sadly, not much to say about the Crew Sluts except Suuuuuuuck.  Kaepernick was disappointing, Smith Sr. and Crowell were in the 1 point territory and White only got up to 2.60.  L.Donnell was as useful as R. O’Donnell contributing absolutely nothing this week:

“WHO WANTS A KOOSH BALL?!”

The special teams were the only upside, but just like the O’Donnell show, it’s probably best for the Sluts to just pack up this week, move on, and completely forget about its existence.

Manager of the Week: Plaxico’s Thigh – You beat top dog. Now you are top dog. Your prize is keeping this sentence brief so you don’t have to look at the image above any longer. 

Manager of the Weak: Only Foles – I do this for your benefit.  I do this for my enjoyment.  Whichever one you’d like to believe, I hope the outcome is the same:  You will persevere, you will learn from your mistakes, you will harness the energy of a coked out Rosie O’Donnell and WIN A GODDAMN GAME OF FOOTBALL! OO-RAH!

View from the Middle Bowl

Week 4: The Bullet-Point Edition!

Welcome to Week 4 of the CFL round-up! Due to an illness I can only assume came from the sick win I achieved over my Dad in the NFL last week, I’m cutting the fat of my typical reviews and offering keen insight via pointy bullets!

The Loose Ends Vs Evil Equestranauts 

• One of the closest matches yet, Loose Ends eked out a win over the Evil E’s. I’m from Cape Breton, and even I don’t have as many Bye’s as the Evil E’s did on her bench last week! 
• Both QBs destroyed projection, but E.Manning moved up the alphabet to P.Manning and threw 4 Pass TD, 300 Pass Yds and a Rush TD!
• The WR positions were horrendous this week, with all 4 going under projection. The bright lights were in FLEX, where The Loose Ends Williams got more points in one night than everyone in the WR positions combined.  Give that guy a raise!
• The kickers were active this week, with a combined 27 points, while Loose Ends’ Chicago Defense realized the score wasn’t QUITE close enough, so admirably got fudged by the Packers in order to make things tight. *cough*

Only Foles rush in VS Plaxico’s Thigh

• Only Foles is allowed one frothy-mouth table flip for what happened this week.  Having a relatively good showing from her group save for the piss poor efforts of namesake Foles’ 2 Interception night, she was well on pace to see her first win of the season.  Unfortunately, Plaxico was all ‘Fuuuuck Dat!’ and had 4 players see 20+ point games!
• After 3 weeks of a combined point total of 4.60, Jamaal Charles emerged from his shit-cocoon to decimate for 28.80 points.  Antonio Brown dropped trow on Only Foles this week and squeezed out an NFL record with 20 consecutive games of at least five catches and 50 yards. I wasn’t around for your draft, but I imagine most of you must of thought kickers and TEs were invaluable 1^st-3^rd  picks, letting Plaxico have his pick of the WR litter. 

Suicidal Bunnies Vs The Crew Sluts

• Cousins over Kaepernick!? A tough call actually, given the matchups and Kirk’s last 28 point game, but goddamn! This could have been the Bunnies’ demise.  Instead, Andrew Luck (systematic desensitization for the bunny feet issue, we’ll get through this. Next week I’ll be eating a bowl of Lucky Charms while I write.) had yet ANOTHER massive game, going for 4 pass TDs and 393 Pass Yds.
• Suprisingly, the rest of the Bunnies’ offense was dismal save for Heath Miller and an okay showing from Jones.  Coming in to save the day was special teams, with combined totals of 27 FAN points.

 Emma’s Peachs VS Touchdown Syndrome

• You know things are bad when you tell yourself Romo should have started.  Though 24.48 would have helped a little, maybe the focus should have been on the monster game of Jerick MacKinnon at 15.20. The rest of Emma’s Peachs had poor contributions across the board save for Allen and Bryant.  An abnormally low point total from Olsen was the killer here, As he has since (Spoiler!) gone on to dominate the TE position.
• Holy Shit ATDS won! Gore had a great game with 119 Rush Yds, 1 Rec TD and 55 Receiving.  And I thought he was too old and rickety to play football! Knile Davis decided to play an encore and provide 11.90 points to the total.  Thankfully, Hilton decided to contribute average numbers this week, because guess who stunk buckets? Carr! An interesting pick following his Week 3 total of 5.96, this was a symptom of Wilson’s bye week, but a little birdy tells me he’s going to pick up the slack in week 5…Salacious Rumors Abound!

The Big Gronkowski VS The Bobbum Men

• Tiiiight Race! The Big Gronk’s equipmunk was all messed up by the Bobbum Men, who saw Rodgers, Cobb and Asiata obliterate projections with 28.88, 23.30 and 28.00 respectively. If this were not fantasy, these three players would get the rest of the week off, as the coach would have been satisfied their strength training of carrying the entire team on their backs had sufficed.
• The Big Gronk must be sour. Losing to Kenny, and now this? It’s like getting slapped in the face by nihilism! Cutler had a respectable 19.14, going only slightly under projection, while Demarco (Polo!) tried his best to carry mediocrity by going 27.50.  Sadly, this was not enough and the Gronks have fallen behind! 

Victorius Secret VS Leather and Lacy

• I feel I have to take credit for this, somehow.  Kenny’s starting to win, and I think it couldn’t have happened without my implicit hard-edge attitude following his defeats, along with my showering of affection following his wins.  Go me! Everyone’s hitting for Leather and Lacy this week, the only lower contributors were Foster, Bryant, and Green Bay’s D.  Especially important was the decision to bench Brady, who had an absolutely horrendous game, and having to deal with several bye week issues.  Good win!
• Victorious Secret gave a valiant effort this week with Hopkins, Bell, and Ryan averaging respectable numbers.  Pierce had absolutely zero points this week, while Clay and Williams both contributed next to nothing.  Sadly, Williams reaggrevated an ankle injury and his pep will up and go for the next few weeks.

Manager of the Week:  Acquired Touchdown Deficiency Syndrome – YOU WON A GAME – YAY!!!

Manager of the Weak: Emma’s Peachs – Because I can’t in good conscious let the statement “Romo should have started” go unpunished.

Commissioner's Report: Week 5: SPEED ROUND

Hello Football Fanatics! As you may have noticed, things have gotten a tad backed up at Gods & Ants. October has been a crazy month, and I've been out of town almost every weekend, leaving me precious little time to cry about how bad my team is while making fun of  your vastly superior teams in an effort to make myself feel better about life.

In order to Catch up and get us ready for Week 6, the Week 5 Commissioner's report is going to use the power of imagery! I'm going to limit myself to two sentences and one photo for each match up! Fun and lazy!

Cut Like Lewis (Jesse) vs. Troy Polamalu's Hair (Mich and Natasha)

It's okay Cincinnati Defense; no one is going to judge you for getting crushed by one of this year's shittiest offenses. Please feel free to let Stevan Ridley glide effortlessly across the field  for 117 yards and a TD.


The Mountain Men (Antoine) vs. Einhorn is Finkle (Kelleye)

Is Peyton Manning, who threw for nearly 500 yards and 4 TDs, some sort of fantasy cyborg? Is it weird/funny that Ben Roethlisberger had performance anxiety against an inferior opponent?


Bounty Hunters (Iain) vs. Concussed Criminals (Gabe)

Demaryius Thomas totally lifts, bro, as that's how he was able to carry The Hunters entire team to victory, racking up 226 yards and 2 TDs. Brian Quick lets a single, point-laden tear fall to the bench.



John's Dazzling Team (John) vs. Spud and Dud (Zach)

While having a full line up is definitely an improvement over last week, Team John had an empty roster spot that theoretically could have contained a player who would have earned him the extra five and a half points he needed to win. Sad.


The Footbalcoholics (Jesse #2) vs. Halifax Explosions (Ryan)

A great battle between two teams who both happened to be hot in week 5 especially at the running back position. After a slow start to the year, Eddie Lacy took full advantage of the ass kicking Green Bay handed to the Vikings.



Brolo el Cunado (Andrew) vs. The Toucherdowners (Mounia)

The rough ride continues for Team Raffi, who's whole team, save Fred Jackson and the Steeler's defense, completely shit the bed. The Toucherdowners earn their second win of the season even though new QB Joe Flacco seemed to pick up some Brady vibes upon joining the team.


Manager of the Week: Halifax Explosions (Ryan) - Two solid weeks of +100 FAN points sees team Splodey go above .500. Here's hoping one Gainer remains in the NFL next season.


Manager of the Weak: Einhorn is Finkle (Kelleye) - Jeez, Kelleye, how brain dead do you have to be to start Peyton Manning, who only scored a measly 32.96 FAN points when the clear choice was Russell Wilson, who scored a massive 34.24 points? PLEASE STOP WINNING

Commissioner's Report: week 4

Welcome to the week 4 round up! I think we can all agree this was the best week in the history of human existence. Let's breath in the glory!

Cut Like Lewis (Jesse) vs. Einhorn is Finkle (Kelleye)

What's to-day, my fine fellow?" said Scrooge.

"To-day?" replied the boy.  "Why, Christmas Day."

"It's Christmas Day!" said Scrooge to himself.  "I haven't missed it.  The Spirits have done it all in one night. They can do anything they like.  Of course they can.  Of course they can.  Hallo, my fine fellow!"

I've been sitting at my desk staring at the screen for quite some time thinking about how to accurately describe my emotions. All words seem inaccurate or inadequate. Joy? Elation? Thankfulness? Rustled Jimmies? All seem to fall flat when trying to portray what happened in this match up. Biblical? Yeah, that's it; Biblical.  This was David vs. Goliath, Jesus, Vishnu, St. Peter, Optimus Prime, and the plastic packaging used for most electronic devices.

going into week 4, I was feeling pretty low; one of my top receivers as well as the Bengals D were on bye week, and while Team Finkle's squad was also heavily affected by bye weeks, the match up looked squarely in her favor. My hope was that Finkle's 3rd string QB Eli Manning would finally show his true derpy colors and completely shit the bed against Washington. I mean, who is he going to throw the ball to? Some 3rd year undrafted free agent tight end? Ha! I'll be....OH MY REPUBLICAN JESUS! While the rest of the world might not have known who Larry Donnell was, it was clear him and Eli Manning both swiped right on Tinder. Donnell hauled in 7 of 8 targets for 54 yards and an astonishing 3 TDs. Derp Derp finished the night with an even 400 passing yards and 4 passing TDs! The pair combined for a soul-crushing 54.50 FAN points. At this point, I was reaching for the Vaseline and trying to purchase an Ottawa Red Blacks jersey on EBay.. I didn't even bother looking for a defense. What was the point?

Fast forward to Sunday. I'm in a car driving home from a wonderful weekend in Maine. the car is full of fantasy football freaks, all eagerly waiting to hit the border and suck some fantasy data out of the 3G ether. What's this? Matty Ice is having a stellar game against the Vikings? Randall Cobb is putting a hurt on the Bears? Desperation TE Coby Fleener is going to hit projection? Of course, my first thought was that the Fantasy gods, who have up until this point chosen me as their Job, were continuing to dangle relief in front of my victory-starved maw. Surely, the rest of my team would tank, leaving my just shy of the win and cement my team in 12th place. But then the clouds parted, the sun shone brightly,  Frank Gore racked up a combined 274 yards and 1 TD and Ahmad Bradshaw continued his stellar year with 52 yards and a TD. By the end of Sunday, I was ahead! By a lot! I then realized that if I were to lose due to not starting a defense, I would relinquish the right to ridicule other teams forever and thus render these round ups useless. I picked up KC simply because they were playing Monday and they were facing a Patriots team that could only be described as flaccid. They failed to disappoint, holding the Pats to a pathetic 14 points, while sacking Brady three times and scoring a TD. Their 16 FAN points was icing on the orgasm cake (wow, maybe should have thought that metaphor through....), as it turned out that my original defense, the Bengals, had a far better night on bye week than Team Finkle's Bears, who politely stepped out of Green Bay's way.

I could go on for ever. This feeling is incredible. I won against the best team in the league. It's like sleeping in a bathtub full of kittens, or punching disabled strangers. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


The Mountain Men (Antoine) vs. Concussed Criminals (Gabe)

I haven't seen this much hilarious back and forth since seeing that video of the tentacle horse and the lost school girl (Pornhub has some really interesting sub-channels).  The Men pulled out to an early lead after Thursday, but saw a pretty lucklustre performance from backup Washington QB  Kirk Cousins. Who throws 4 interceptions to the Giants? I guess the only way the marketing wizards in Washington can stir up a QB controversy between Cousins and the effectively retired RG3 is by having Kirk throw a few games. Guys, if you're going to do stuff like this, at least be subtle. Does it really count as an interception if the ball appears to be thrown directly to a member of the Giants' defense? At the end of the early Sunday games, The Criminals had a slight edge leading 59.74 to 53.18, however by the end of Sunday The Men seemed to have things well in hand. DeMarco Murray was positively saucy against The Saints, rushing for 149 yards and 2 TDs. RB Lamar Miller rightfully realized that anything less than a stellar performance against the damp cloth that is Oakland's defense would be career suicide, and rushed for 64 yards and 2 TDs. The Mountain Men would have completely put the week away if Carolina's defense had a decent game against Baltimore. Hrmm. Baltimore? Why does that team bring back memories? Oh right! It was Baltimore's defense that earned my team a healthy does of humiliation, mostly from Mountain Men manager Antoine, last season by posting a series of negative scores, most notably a -4.00 in the early weeks. Fate certainly is an asshole. However, despite Carolina's comical failure, The Men were up comfortably by Sunday's end, leading the Criminals 106.78 to 83.54. The Criminal's only hope was to see a monster night from KC RB Jamaal Charles, who up until this point had been woefully under performing tallying only 4.6 FAN points in the first 2 weeks of the season and was held out of week 3 due to ankle issues. There certainly could be no way that Jama......OH MAN LOOK AT THAT GUY GO! 92 rushing yards, 1 rushing TD, and 2 receiving TDs! UNSTOPPABLE!

What was that sound? It sounded like someone throwing an iPad against a TV.


Bounty Hunters (Iain) vs. The Toucherdowners (Mounia)

The great thing about being so lazy with these write ups is that, at the time of writing, I know what's happened in the future. In the case of The Toucherdowners, we know that after getting thoroughly reamed in Week 4 by The Hunters, Mounia finally gave up on Tom "Pedophile Smile" Brady replacing him with Joe Flacco and a guy who's thrown more interceptions than the number of steel pins in RG3's knees. At first glace, casual onlookers would be perplexed. Get rid of Tom Brady? Isn't he an elite quarterback? Wouldn't he be a fantasy owner's wet dream? Unfortunately, Brady's star faded drastically after league rules removed "Number of High Fives left Hanging" and "Level of Waterslide Enthusiasm" from the stat categories. In all serious, Brady has had a rough go in the first four weeks of the season, with this week's game against the Chief's acting as the corn nugget cherry topping the shit sundae. Brady completed only 14 of his 23 attempts for 159 yards, 1 TD, and two INT, one of which was a pick-six that hit Husain Abdullah  right in the numbers. Despite solid nights from tight end Travis Kelse, who put up a combined 98 yards and one score, and DeAndre Hopkins, The Toucherdowner's fell way behind projection not only due to the poor play of Brady and the Pats, but DeSean Jackson as well, who managed a single reception for 9 yards. It's difficult to place blame on Jackson for such low performance (however he did drop one of the three balls thrown his way), as he was dependent on  QB Kirk Cousins, who seemed determined to carry on the proud Washington football tradition of stubbornly making everyone upset by being shitty for no good reason.

The Hunter's had a solid week despite being managed by an insensitive, emotional bully. While the Hunters saw great performances from kicker Adam Vinatieri and the San Fran defense, the star of the show was superstar wide receiver Antonio Brown, who seemed to be able to get open at will catching 7 of 11 passes for 131 yards and 2 TDs.



Troy Polamalu's Hair (Mich and Natasha) vs. Spud and Dud (Zach)

Now, your first reaction when looking at the outcome of this match up is probably something along the lines of  "Oh great, here comes another tasteless joke about domestic violence that is not only unfunny but stands to normalize abuse." And normally, you'd have walked into the right door, but I see this outcome rather differently, at least from the perspective of Team Polamalu. Sure, getting steamrolled by a margin of 73.62 points might feel crummy, but wouldn't it have been much, much worse if they had replicated their glorious week 2 performance against Team Cunado only to come 14-odd points shy of the win? Who am I kidding; as someone with plenty of experience, I can assure you losing always sucks.

Team Troy was simply awful across the board; while QB Drew Brees put up good stats by throwing for 340 yards and 2 TDs, their wide receivers, running backs, and tight end combined for a total of 239 yards and a single touchdown, amounting to a laughable 29.9 total FAN points. I'm running out of synonyms for terrible. Horrawful?  Incredibad? Dissambarrasment? Polamortifying? If this team is someone's fantasy, their reality must be some special type of hell. It's like asking a kid what he wants for Christmas and getting the response "acknowledgement of my existence".

On the other side of the virtual field was team Spud and Dud, who amassed the league's third highest weekly point total so far this year. As per my earlier argument, maybe Team Spuds is a tad disappointed they wasted such a beating on such a clearly defenseless opponent? Regardless, The Spuds were fucking resplendent in week 4, with QB McCain Superfries throwing for almost 300 yards and 2 TDs, and throwing his Yukon golden body over the line for a rushing TD. WR Jordy Nelson was clearly Aaron Rodgers first choice for prom date, hauling in 10 passes for 109 yards and 2 TDs. Running backs Matt Forte and Trent Richardson combined for 270 and 1 TD, leading to a total of 33 FAN points. This means the Studs could have benched everyone except Nelson, Forte, and Richardson and still come up with the win. Depresshitty?

John's Dazzling Team (John) vs. Halifax Explosions (Ryan)

Please excuse me, as I plan to go on a bit of rant that may verge on the personal, However, I think it would be better to first talk about the performance of The Halifax Explosions, who had an excellent week 4. Is there a defense that can stop QB Phillip Rivers? Okay, the last few weeks have seen the Chargers take on, shall we say, unworthy opponents and asking Jacksonville to prevent Rivers from throwing for 377 yards and 3 TDs is apparently like asking my father to set his lines every week (more on that later). RB Eddie Lacy shared in the spoils of the Pack's drubbing of the Bears, rushing for 48 yards and a TD. San Fran kicker Phil Dawson seemed unable to miss from any distance, even booting one through the uprights from past the 50 yard line and the Texans' defense manhandled The Bills, sacking the QB twice and catching two interceptions, one of them for a TD. Let's compare Team Splody's defense to his opponents. While it's really tough to make a direct comparison between Houston and Seattle's defensive squads, I'm going to use my expert analysis skills and say the key to Houston's 13 FAN point victory was that they actually had a Goddamn game to play.

 I've spoken here before of my lifelong admiration of my father. Like most children that look up to their parents, one of my greatest fears in life was to disappoint or fail to live up to their expectations. I tried as best I could to follow their teachings and espouse their values of hard work and determination. I grew up believing that it was always best to finish what you started. Dad, what do you think it says to me when you don't start a WR or defense in week 4? How am I supposed to feel?  How do you think it makes Brain Hartline feel? You're effectively telling the guy that you think Larry Fitzgerald can put up more FAN points while binge watching Lost Girl on Netflix than he could against The Raiders?

The Footbalcoholics (Jesse #2) vs. Brolo el Cunado (Andrew)

"Oh God! it's like wiping peanut butter out of a shag carpet!"

Speaking of rough goes, it's been a tough year for Team Raffi. Their weekly point totals have been in the 80's and 90's, but despite their week three victory over John's Dazzling Team, The Cunados always seem to get edged out by just a handful of points. Things were no different in week 4, as The Footbalcoholics took the win by a mere 4.24 points. Even more heart-wrenching was the fact that this week saw Aaron Rodgers hit his season-best fantasy total, passing for 302 yards and 4 TDs! I'm sure Team Raffi is wondering why this couldn't have heppned when they were facing someone who leaves empty roster spots.

 Jesse #2's side was certainly no slouch; QB Colin Kaepernick combined for 276 yards and 2 TDs against  the Eagles, and Vikings RB Matt Asiata, whose last name sounds like one of those American chain Chinese restaurant where bored, teenage waiters are underpaid to feign respect when you ask to have your fork replaced with chopsticks and laugh when you crack that "cream of sum yung guy" joke that everyone finds delightful, had an incredible game against The Falcons, rushing for 78 yards and 3 TDs, leading to a whopping 28 FAN points.



Manager of the Week: ME!!!! Oh God, I was wonderful, wasn't I? I may never win another match-up, but this week I slayed the Goddamn unkillable dragon in spectacular fashion. I will be sure to regale the members of the CFL with tales of my glory in the years to come.

Manager of the Weak: John's Dazzling Team (John) - Failing to field a full squad of players is like cutting boards without measuring. Nobody likes a sloppy craftsman, pop. However, do feel free to tank it against me in week 5.