Commissioner's Report: Week 5: SPEED ROUND

Hello Football Fanatics! As you may have noticed, things have gotten a tad backed up at Gods & Ants. October has been a crazy month, and I've been out of town almost every weekend, leaving me precious little time to cry about how bad my team is while making fun of  your vastly superior teams in an effort to make myself feel better about life.

In order to Catch up and get us ready for Week 6, the Week 5 Commissioner's report is going to use the power of imagery! I'm going to limit myself to two sentences and one photo for each match up! Fun and lazy!

Cut Like Lewis (Jesse) vs. Troy Polamalu's Hair (Mich and Natasha)

It's okay Cincinnati Defense; no one is going to judge you for getting crushed by one of this year's shittiest offenses. Please feel free to let Stevan Ridley glide effortlessly across the field  for 117 yards and a TD.


The Mountain Men (Antoine) vs. Einhorn is Finkle (Kelleye)

Is Peyton Manning, who threw for nearly 500 yards and 4 TDs, some sort of fantasy cyborg? Is it weird/funny that Ben Roethlisberger had performance anxiety against an inferior opponent?


Bounty Hunters (Iain) vs. Concussed Criminals (Gabe)

Demaryius Thomas totally lifts, bro, as that's how he was able to carry The Hunters entire team to victory, racking up 226 yards and 2 TDs. Brian Quick lets a single, point-laden tear fall to the bench.



John's Dazzling Team (John) vs. Spud and Dud (Zach)

While having a full line up is definitely an improvement over last week, Team John had an empty roster spot that theoretically could have contained a player who would have earned him the extra five and a half points he needed to win. Sad.


The Footbalcoholics (Jesse #2) vs. Halifax Explosions (Ryan)

A great battle between two teams who both happened to be hot in week 5 especially at the running back position. After a slow start to the year, Eddie Lacy took full advantage of the ass kicking Green Bay handed to the Vikings.



Brolo el Cunado (Andrew) vs. The Toucherdowners (Mounia)

The rough ride continues for Team Raffi, who's whole team, save Fred Jackson and the Steeler's defense, completely shit the bed. The Toucherdowners earn their second win of the season even though new QB Joe Flacco seemed to pick up some Brady vibes upon joining the team.


Manager of the Week: Halifax Explosions (Ryan) - Two solid weeks of +100 FAN points sees team Splodey go above .500. Here's hoping one Gainer remains in the NFL next season.


Manager of the Weak: Einhorn is Finkle (Kelleye) - Jeez, Kelleye, how brain dead do you have to be to start Peyton Manning, who only scored a measly 32.96 FAN points when the clear choice was Russell Wilson, who scored a massive 34.24 points? PLEASE STOP WINNING