Week 3: View
from the Rafters Lower Bowl
Things are blurry. I’m in a jaqu-haze. The Halifax Explosions have lost two straight
and as a result, I’ve decided my current 11th place position in the
NFL does not permit for an upper tier, holier-than-thou attitude. I’ve resigned myself to the lower bowl, where
subsequent reports will be written until I get back on my feet.
Garbage is my pillow and a
scary hobo named ‘Shanky Pete’ has decided he’s my blanket.
The floor is sticky, the air is damp, and the stench of
loose ends permeates my being. My only solace is in the healing balm of Kenny’s
assured loss that…Oh for the love of god, he won. This is the end of days.
The Loose Ends Vs
Plaxico’s Thigh
Following the
insightful move with Marshall last week, Shanky Pete was concerned he’d have to
share my warmth with ‘day-walker no-shanker’ Saunderson. After Monday’s showing
of only 0.6 points and a re-aggravated ankle injury, Shanky Pete’s toothless
grin assured me that the Loose Ends’ insight had waned, and I was in for a long
night filled with gum disease. Additional assurances to Shank’s misinterpreting
the term ‘blanket coverage’ include Matt Stafford’s 3 turnover night for 6.64,
Watkins’ 1.90, And a special team total for just 8 FAN points. This week, only one brown star was present –
something most Loose Ends should be accustomed to. Beast Mode simply dominated: 3 receptions for
40 yds plus 26 rushes for 88 with 2 TDS.
Plaxico’s Thigh had a much better showing with Rivers,
Brown, and Jackson contributing big digits.
Ahmad Bradshaw put up 14.30, and is showing to be a better red-zone
option these days. Rotoworld suggests
Bradshaw’s week 4 matchup will be a good one, as “Tennessee's defense is
getting gashed in the run ga…”Damn it, Shanky! Stop cutting people. Although Plaxico had no help from Carolina’s
D this week, certified dog-kicker Adam Vinatieri picked up the slack with a
massive 16.00 point showing in Jacksonville. Teaching children everywhere: Success is only
a dog punt away.
Only Foles rush in VS Suicidal Bunnies
Dear Only Foles’
bench: I’ve got sugar cookies, and I’m pretty sure Shanks’ made his version of
lemonade (it’s urine. Wait…Yeah, it’s absolutely urine.). Since she’s not using your combined point
total of 76.94 and instead choosing the mediocre performances of Ertz (1.40),
Forsett (6.50) and Jackson (7.50), why not hang out with us? Foles chose the
pass over the rush this week, with 325 pass yds and 3 pass TDs. Sanders provided 14.90, and the point trend
should only continue due to the Bro-Bond (It’s like Gold-Bond, but Dave
Matthews shows up at your door) forming between he and Manning.
What’s got you all suicidal, bunnies? Elmer Fudd’s online
bullying? Recently diagnosed carrot allergy? Post traumatic stress from
exposure to severed feet being called “lucky”?
Whatever your difficulty, please know there is good in the world, and
your fantasy team literally has all of it.
Luck (Ooo..sorry) demonstrated surgical precision with 4 pass TDs that
could easily have been 5, 370 Pass Yds and 15 on the Rush. Julio Jones had a
fantastic game with 2 Receiving TDs and 161 yards and is continuing to make his
case as being one of the very best WRs in the league. Unfortunately, if NFL
trends are to continue, Jones will be charged in coming weeks with one of the
abuses that haven’t yet been taken: Domestic, Child, Sexual,
Animal, and…Spiritual? If I’m right,
Jones is about to sucker-punch the Jesus…
“Come at me, Bro”.
Lastly, Pierre Garcon must have heard me mocking him last week because
he decided to respond with a dizzying 11 receptions, 138 yds and a TD. My mockery helped somebody. I’m a-kinda like
the Jesus.
Evil Equestranauts VS
Touchdown Syndrome
“When the football GODS look
DOWN UPON YOU for your performance this week, they will throw back their
MASSIVE HEADS, open their ETERNAL MOUTHS AND LAUGH AT YOUR PITIFUL SHOWING!” –
Week 1, 2, and 3 Loser: Touchdown Syndrome.
Hey listen, I love your
enthusiasm. However, I should have clarified.
BONESAW didn’t get his name, intensity, and free samples of Bane-Brand
Steroids by losing every time he stepped into the ring. He worked up to it: A
fresh-faced “Bone-Spork” slowly evolved to a “Bone-Plastic Cutlery”, which eventually
blossomed into a “Bone-Shiv” and so on.
Let’s start slow, okay?
The Acquired Touchdown
Deficiency Syndrome had painful contribution from Cunningham, Paul and FLEX
play Eric Decker. As a result of a
re-aggravated hammy injury, Decker “decided to pull himself” from
Monday’s game not before registering 1.90 points. C’mon Decker, I’ve pulled
myself on Monday nights and managed at least 2.0 (4.0 If Murder She Wrote is
on). The prognosis for ATDS worsened, as their special teams only registered
3.0 with Ryan putting the Succ in Succop. Only Giovani ‘Who named me?’ Bernard
(17.40) and Russell Wilson (23.02) exceeded point projections. Head up, ATDS. If you win the next game
we’ll go for something a little more prestigious: “Foot-Bola” or “Fetal AstroTurf Syndrome” or
something.
The Evil Equestranauts navigated the poop-slaw of smack talk
from the Syndromes without retort and delivered a decisive win in this week 3
matchup. Like most silent killers, The Evil E’s didn’t show any outward
symptoms of being an immediate threat as the points projected favored the
Syndromes. Over the week, though, Evil E’s chipped away at expectations with
Manning providing yet another strong showing, Crabtree almost doubling point
projection, and Bailey taking it to the skies with a few big kicks. The typically strong Montee Ball made the
mistake of assuming his last name was all he needed for playmaking, resulting
in a fumble early on in the Seattle game.
Best of luck to the Evil E’s to navigate Week 4 Byes!
Emma’s Peachs VS The
Bobbum Men
It’s a bad omen when A.J Green-Toe scores only 0.28 less
than Rodgers. This was a weird night for Rodgers, with zero completions of 20
yards or longer. In fact, off-nights
were a theme for the Bobbum Men this week.
Cobb and Sproles significantly went under projection, combining for just
5.90 points. Knile Davis’ contributions
(17.20) reminded me of counting in 5/4 time:
Att: 32, Yds: 132 TD: 1. Even though he put up great numbers this week, I
think I prefer his earlier work?
Especially the tune “Au Bar Du Petite Running-Bac”
There was nothing Kind of Blue over on the PeachES’ side of things. Drew Brees had a great
game except for the time he thought he saw a cool $5 behind the scrum and took
a knee to investigate, leading to a -2 rush yds total. Olsen and Bryant had a
combined 27.80 points, and Jennings brought the big game, destroying Houston
and rushing for 23.60. Now, consistency is an important marker for Fantasy
Football success. It’s hard to
anticipate, but if most of your players give 100%, 50% of the time, you might
be in a bit of trouble. Luckily for the
PeachES, Edelman has shown to be a
consistent performer and a frontline offensive option for Brady and the Pats.
Similarly, Keenan Allen (Who, judging by his fantasy picture, decided eating 4
lemons and getting kicked in the pills right before the flash would give him
the appropriate “GRR-face”) has proven consistency in the “heavy-sighs” end of
the spectrum. My guess is Allen’s daily mental aphorism is something like, “Do
a job poorly enough, for long enough, and the on-field to-do list will simply
be “stand there and try not to f*ck it up for everyone.””…But keep him in your
line-up PeachES, I’m sure it’ll turn around.
Victorious Secret vs
The Crew Sluts
Kirk Cousins for 28.58. Holy Shit. How did you not win, Crew
Sluts? Ah ah, don’t talk. I’ll tell you. Barring the effective contributions
from ‘S’s-for-days’ Steve Smith Sr. and Reggie Bush, there was a lot wrong
here. Fitzgerald didn’t catch a ball for the first three quarters, and then
fumbled one in the fourth. That’s like
those Doritos chips, where one in every handful could be seasoned with extra
spicy Jalepano. The chip itself is
terrible, so even when you eventually get something going that’s out of the
ordinary, it doesn’t detract from the fact that everything since has been bad,
everything during is spicy bad, and everything after is ‘take a shower and
think about what you did’ bad. O.
Daniels got 8 Receiving yards in an attempt to appease those who chose him as
the replacement for injured TE Dennis Pitta. The name is fitting, because I’m
sure the entire sideline offensive staff was saying “Oh, Daniels…” too. Jonathan Stewart hurt his knee, but I can’t
tell if this happened on the field or if Adrien Peterson got bored on the Crew
Sluts bench and just needed someone to practice on.
Victorious Secret got a couple big plays from Matt Ryan,
making up for his 13 point showing last week, and Le’Veon Bell who rushed 21
times for 147 Yds on Sunday. C. Johnson reminded us a second time,
“No, I’m not THAT C. Johnson, stop asking me.” while Rudolph sustained a groin injury that has been assessed for the past week, requiring an MRI Monday, which resulted in the decision to have surgery in the coming days. Don’t feel too disheartened, Rudolph. Most guys would kill to have that much attention paid to their groins. Coach Bill O'Brien earned his kabillion dollar salary by offering the insight only elite level coaches could provide by saying: "we need to do a better job of getting DeAndre Hopkins the ball.". Truly riveting. Exemplary strategy. As long as the Buffalo D don’t read Yahoo sports, this could mean big numbers for Hopkins in Week 4.
“No, I’m not THAT C. Johnson, stop asking me.” while Rudolph sustained a groin injury that has been assessed for the past week, requiring an MRI Monday, which resulted in the decision to have surgery in the coming days. Don’t feel too disheartened, Rudolph. Most guys would kill to have that much attention paid to their groins. Coach Bill O'Brien earned his kabillion dollar salary by offering the insight only elite level coaches could provide by saying: "we need to do a better job of getting DeAndre Hopkins the ball.". Truly riveting. Exemplary strategy. As long as the Buffalo D don’t read Yahoo sports, this could mean big numbers for Hopkins in Week 4.
/The Big Gronkowski VS Leather and
Lacy\
F*ckin’ GAME TIME! Sibling Rivalry at its finest! MacIntyre V
MacIntyre, Bro V Sis, Leather V Dude...How did this play out?? I feel in order
to capture the magnitude of this chromosomal carnage, I need to enlist the help
of a capable, yet available, consultant who is well-positioned to comment on
all things fantasy.
Oh HAI, Matt Prater! I guess
you’re free to help me out? Discuss some football?
Hmm…You’re not looking to good,
Matt Prater... One second, I think I know what’ll help…
There we goooo, Matt Prater! All better now? Excellent.
Let’s start with Leather and Lacy, who had all of his players
show up. Most of them didn’t play well, but whatever, I still see it as a
positive. Smith actually had his best
game of the season, with 3 Pass TDs and 186 Pass Yds.
“One-Beer-In” Matt Prater: Yeah sure, but he also got sacked 5 times!
One for a safety, AND he lost a fumble!
God, just, see the positive man. Here, try the Busch. One-Beer Matt is kind of a dick. Anyway,
Floyd and Stacy had good games, With Floyd being targeted a season-high 9 times
and Stacy’s first quarter blitz leading to 67 Rush and 54 Rec Yds (Matt: They’re
both on BYES next week, though). Leathers thankfully got a much needed point
boost from the GB defense (12.00), as the rest of the story goes downhill. Wayne, Ellington, and Walker had games
ranging from tepid-sauce to weak-sauce, but the worse was namesake Eddie Lacy.
Now, I can’t harp on this one too much as the Halifax Explosions also chose
Lacy in the first round. The upside is
he didn’t cost Leathers a loss, and the next 3 matchups have weak run D that
Lacy is certainly expected to exploit. I
may be going out on a limb here, but I think this win will really start turning
things around for Leather and Lacy. Two-Beer-In Matt is just laughing.
The Big Gronkowski; The Big Sister; call it what you will, but this
week they are The Big Disappointment.
Having Maclin almost triple his point projection and Murray’s 100 rush
Yds and TD would seem to have been a sign of imminent victory, especially in a
matchup against a 0-2-0 opponent…but things took a turn. Maybe it started with the lukewarm efforts of
Cutlet, or Wright’s painful 4.40. It
certainly couldn’t have helped matters when Woodhead’s Wood-fibula snapped and
he uprooted to get surgery. Jimmy Graham had almost 5 times LESS point
generation than his last game, and Spiller had his worst game of the season.
Hmm, I think that’s it. Anything
I could possibly be missing on the Gronk’s side of things? Anything that, if
changed, could have significantly impacted the outcome of this entire matchup?
“Six-Pack” Matt: Didja Talk about
her Shitty Defense? HAHAHA, Stupid Cardinals.
*sigh* Arizona went under projection in their win against San Fran for
a paltry 4.00 points. Get out of my
bench-house, Matt. Shanky Pete will show you to your…On second thought, maybe
get the bus.
Manager of the Week: Leather and Lacy – You won a game, buddy! Leather
and Lacy are showing good bench depth with the likes of Foster and Cruz,
allowing for some breathing room when week 4 BYEs come knocking. And though
trusting the GB Defense was a risky move, it paid off and helped give L’n’L
their first win of the season.
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