Week 5: View from the Rafters

Week 5:  View from the Rafters

Ah Week 5. Let’s remember this as the week the Halifax Explosions rose from the dank pit of 8^th place despair to a slightly above average 5^th.   Such an ascendency makes climbing Everest look like a day hike for underprivileged youth.  I feel good. Still, while basking in the fruits of proper waiver pickups and Philip Rivers’ domination of huckin’ pig, I think it’s important not to forget the little guys in the NFL. What’s the point of gaining such traction, confidence, and >.500 W/L record if not to share it with the common folk?  It’s for that reason I extend an olive branch to my brother and father, teasing the 11^th and 12^th place positions in the league.  Age has refined their role as pedagogues, and in providing me with all the unique insights, lessons, and keen intellectual acumen successful fantasy team owners need to succeed,  they’ve left little to none of these skills for themselves (obviously). True selflessness like this should be acknowledged, and rewarded. Unfortunately, try as I might this olive branch can’t reach that far down the ranking list, so you chumps are on your own.  Let’s see what the CFL got up to this week!

The Loose Ends v Emma’s Peachs

I’ve always been confused why this game is called football.  Why not Catch’n’Throw, Pigball, Into the Ovoid, or ‘That thing we do to pass the time between domestic assault charges’? This week’s matchup between the Loose Ends and the Peaches reaffirms “football” is it’s most properest (:D) of names. Dawson and Gostkowski scored 41.00 points between the two of them. This must have been a significant kick in the Pigballs for the Loose Ends, as he lost out to winning this kicking match between the two by a point.  Other bright lights for the Peachs was Olsen, Bryant, and Indianapolis, who I assume have their defense practice weekly at the Indy 500 and just stand in the middle of the track grunting.

The Loose Ends had disappointing efforts from Stafford, Marshall, Morris and Cooks. Sure, there were a few good apples this week, but just like a certain Creek-based TV series, the only one worth rooting for was Dawson. Not that I watched…I just… 

Smoke Bomb! Or wait, shit, this might be tear gas. Cover your various holes.

Only Foles rush in VS Evil Equestranauts

Remember that last sentence (so long ago…) about Van Der Beek being the one to root for? The Durr Himself? Only Foles’ consistent missteps and completely horrid record have made me want to rewatch Varsity Blues just so Van Der Beek’s “Mox” will help me remember what it’s like to hope again. To be fair, not many could contend with the Evil E’s Manning, who went for 32.96 points and at this point was thinking to himself “Man, I think I could totally break Brett Favre's career touchdown record with an eight-yard pass to Demaryius Thomas…Like, in some future game down the road.” Wow.  Okay, Sorry Only Foles…I didn’t know this fantasy allowed f*cking wizards. 

Gandalf: “Just say the f*cking word…”

Tate and Quick had huge games for the Evil E’s this week too.  A surprising game for Quick, who usually doesn’t have the same pep his name implies. Though, if I had a guy on my team named Jonathan Scoresabunch or Benjamin Touchdown, I’d feel weird not playing them. Both teams missed out on some heavy points on the bench, but I point the finger at Foles for not getting Forsett and Jeffrey involved, especially with the icy cold game Kelvin had.  Sorry, that joke was luke warm. 

Suicidal Bunnies Vs Plaxico’s Thigh

The Bunnies lost!? All hail new CFL leader Plaxico’s Thigh! Let’s hope you don’t do anything stupid with this opportunity and shoot yourself in the…hmm.

Both teams had positive outings from their QBs while half their WR lines showed up for work.  This game also had two monstrous games from the TE spots, combining for 36.8 points. Maybe they want us to change the name of football again? Sorry Tight Ends, your position is too suggestive to have the word “ball” crammed in alongside it.  Unfortunately for the Bunnies, not much could have been done as their bench registered 10.90 points.  It’s gotta be disheartening to know you could have added six more players then the other guy, just said ‘f*ck it, let em ALL play’, and still have ended up losing.    

The Big Gronkowski vs Touchdown Syndrome

34.24 points from your QB and you lost? No, I didn’t mistakenly keep the text bold; I’m underscoring how terrible your team played. Aside from the 2 Pass TDs, 122 Rush Yds and 201 Pass Yds from Wilson and a hefty amount of effort from Gore, everyone else on the Touchdowns were upsetting.  Knile Davis went from playing jazz to joining a brit-pop band that sings exclusively about feeling good when you’re doing poorly in life. I just hope this helps him out after contributing only .60 points this week.  His doppelnile, Niles Paul, did just as atrociously and didn’t even have that silent K weighing him down.  For Kshame, you two. 

Oh god, Leigh. You won, somehow.  Cutler and Wright had excellent games, and Maclin helped with a Receiving Touchdown against the Rams, but everyone else went 6 points or under. Not that they’ll be around much longer – Spiller is out for the season, Sproles is currently injured, and Gerhart got hurt during this week’s matchup.  With two players already on IR on the bench, you may need to do some serious shopping. 

Did this one come off a little negative? I’m sorry.  Here, here’s a picture of a kitten:

Coincidentally, this little guy put up more points than most your team. Aww.

Victorius Secret vs The Bobbum Men

This one comes down to outliers versus normal bell curves. The Secrets had Demaryius Thomas secure 34.60 points with 2 touchdowns and 226 Receiving yds.  Outside of that, everyone else was the special place between luke warm and the temperature of teardrops.  Ryan under-produced thanks to an interception in the 3^rd, and Taliaferro just stood there. Watching.

The Bobbum Men had almost everyone show up to play Pigdick! Wait, shit, sorry…Football. This whole theme of changing the name is getting confusing.  Rodgers had 3 pass TDS, Green got one, and so did the Gronk! Maybe the most impressive part of Bobbum’s team depth is the fact half his bench just went out for smokes and never returned…That’s the only way I can explain not having a full stack of go-to players.  Did someone hurt you, Bobbum? Did someone mangle your equipmunk? Speaking of useless bench spots, I think it’s about time C. Johnson (C.Johnson: “NOT THAT C. JOHNSON!!”) goes out for a pack of Marlboro’s himself.  I wouldn’t normally advocate this, but given his recent numbers, maybe COPD could propel Johnson for a few extra yards through the sheer force of constantly coughing up bile? Just a thought. 

This is all I got when I google’d “Funny COPD pics”

Leather and Lacy VS The Crew Sluts

Whaaaat! This was another big win for Leather and Lacy, who absolutely decimated the Crew Sluts by a margin of 68.38 points. Not unlike his sister’s win, Kenny can contribute this to 3 players (Lacy, Foster, and the Green Bay D) with Robinson  helping out with 15.70 points.  This unorthodox strategy of having a few A-list players seep the life force of your remaining active roster to gain superhuman abilities may have severe ethical and moral implications, but hey, it wins football games! I just hope Michael Floyd gets to take a breather since this vampiric cult of fantasy feeders must have double-dipped on his abilities, leaving him with only .70 to contribute.  Leather and Lacy’s bench was lacking the spark from previous weeks, but it’s important to note Ellington’s behemoth game off the Bye.  With such depth at the RB position, Leather and Lacy has a nice opportunity to go WR1-2 shopping.

Sadly, not much to say about the Crew Sluts except Suuuuuuuck.  Kaepernick was disappointing, Smith Sr. and Crowell were in the 1 point territory and White only got up to 2.60.  L.Donnell was as useful as R. O’Donnell contributing absolutely nothing this week:

“WHO WANTS A KOOSH BALL?!”

The special teams were the only upside, but just like the O’Donnell show, it’s probably best for the Sluts to just pack up this week, move on, and completely forget about its existence.

Manager of the Week: Plaxico’s Thigh – You beat top dog. Now you are top dog. Your prize is keeping this sentence brief so you don’t have to look at the image above any longer. 

Manager of the Weak: Only Foles – I do this for your benefit.  I do this for my enjoyment.  Whichever one you’d like to believe, I hope the outcome is the same:  You will persevere, you will learn from your mistakes, you will harness the energy of a coked out Rosie O’Donnell and WIN A GODDAMN GAME OF FOOTBALL! OO-RAH!