View from the Middle Bowl

Week 4: The Bullet-Point Edition!

Welcome to Week 4 of the CFL round-up! Due to an illness I can only assume came from the sick win I achieved over my Dad in the NFL last week, I’m cutting the fat of my typical reviews and offering keen insight via pointy bullets!

The Loose Ends Vs Evil Equestranauts 

• One of the closest matches yet, Loose Ends eked out a win over the Evil E’s. I’m from Cape Breton, and even I don’t have as many Bye’s as the Evil E’s did on her bench last week! 
• Both QBs destroyed projection, but E.Manning moved up the alphabet to P.Manning and threw 4 Pass TD, 300 Pass Yds and a Rush TD!
• The WR positions were horrendous this week, with all 4 going under projection. The bright lights were in FLEX, where The Loose Ends Williams got more points in one night than everyone in the WR positions combined.  Give that guy a raise!
• The kickers were active this week, with a combined 27 points, while Loose Ends’ Chicago Defense realized the score wasn’t QUITE close enough, so admirably got fudged by the Packers in order to make things tight. *cough*

Only Foles rush in VS Plaxico’s Thigh

• Only Foles is allowed one frothy-mouth table flip for what happened this week.  Having a relatively good showing from her group save for the piss poor efforts of namesake Foles’ 2 Interception night, she was well on pace to see her first win of the season.  Unfortunately, Plaxico was all ‘Fuuuuck Dat!’ and had 4 players see 20+ point games!
• After 3 weeks of a combined point total of 4.60, Jamaal Charles emerged from his shit-cocoon to decimate for 28.80 points.  Antonio Brown dropped trow on Only Foles this week and squeezed out an NFL record with 20 consecutive games of at least five catches and 50 yards. I wasn’t around for your draft, but I imagine most of you must of thought kickers and TEs were invaluable 1^st-3^rd  picks, letting Plaxico have his pick of the WR litter. 

Suicidal Bunnies Vs The Crew Sluts

• Cousins over Kaepernick!? A tough call actually, given the matchups and Kirk’s last 28 point game, but goddamn! This could have been the Bunnies’ demise.  Instead, Andrew Luck (systematic desensitization for the bunny feet issue, we’ll get through this. Next week I’ll be eating a bowl of Lucky Charms while I write.) had yet ANOTHER massive game, going for 4 pass TDs and 393 Pass Yds.
• Suprisingly, the rest of the Bunnies’ offense was dismal save for Heath Miller and an okay showing from Jones.  Coming in to save the day was special teams, with combined totals of 27 FAN points.

 Emma’s Peachs VS Touchdown Syndrome

• You know things are bad when you tell yourself Romo should have started.  Though 24.48 would have helped a little, maybe the focus should have been on the monster game of Jerick MacKinnon at 15.20. The rest of Emma’s Peachs had poor contributions across the board save for Allen and Bryant.  An abnormally low point total from Olsen was the killer here, As he has since (Spoiler!) gone on to dominate the TE position.
• Holy Shit ATDS won! Gore had a great game with 119 Rush Yds, 1 Rec TD and 55 Receiving.  And I thought he was too old and rickety to play football! Knile Davis decided to play an encore and provide 11.90 points to the total.  Thankfully, Hilton decided to contribute average numbers this week, because guess who stunk buckets? Carr! An interesting pick following his Week 3 total of 5.96, this was a symptom of Wilson’s bye week, but a little birdy tells me he’s going to pick up the slack in week 5…Salacious Rumors Abound!

The Big Gronkowski VS The Bobbum Men

• Tiiiight Race! The Big Gronk’s equipmunk was all messed up by the Bobbum Men, who saw Rodgers, Cobb and Asiata obliterate projections with 28.88, 23.30 and 28.00 respectively. If this were not fantasy, these three players would get the rest of the week off, as the coach would have been satisfied their strength training of carrying the entire team on their backs had sufficed.
• The Big Gronk must be sour. Losing to Kenny, and now this? It’s like getting slapped in the face by nihilism! Cutler had a respectable 19.14, going only slightly under projection, while Demarco (Polo!) tried his best to carry mediocrity by going 27.50.  Sadly, this was not enough and the Gronks have fallen behind! 

Victorius Secret VS Leather and Lacy

• I feel I have to take credit for this, somehow.  Kenny’s starting to win, and I think it couldn’t have happened without my implicit hard-edge attitude following his defeats, along with my showering of affection following his wins.  Go me! Everyone’s hitting for Leather and Lacy this week, the only lower contributors were Foster, Bryant, and Green Bay’s D.  Especially important was the decision to bench Brady, who had an absolutely horrendous game, and having to deal with several bye week issues.  Good win!
• Victorious Secret gave a valiant effort this week with Hopkins, Bell, and Ryan averaging respectable numbers.  Pierce had absolutely zero points this week, while Clay and Williams both contributed next to nothing.  Sadly, Williams reaggrevated an ankle injury and his pep will up and go for the next few weeks.

Manager of the Week:  Acquired Touchdown Deficiency Syndrome – YOU WON A GAME – YAY!!!

Manager of the Weak: Emma’s Peachs – Because I can’t in good conscious let the statement “Romo should have started” go unpunished.