Let me take you on a magically journey through history, all the way back to Week 3 in the NFL. Times were simpler then; the weather was a tad warmer, I still hadn't earned a win, and Roger Goodell's erection from repeat watchings of the Ray Rice video had only just started to subside. Let's take a peek at a time that was:
Cut Like Lewis (Jesse) vs. Concussed Criminals (Gabe)
You know what they say about great teams; Consistency is key. I guess the same should be said for piss poor teams like mine as well. Ugh; this pattern of Thursday night heroics swept away by a fetid tidal wave of Sunday half-hearted poo poo is really starting to have a deleterious effect on my self confidence. My fragile emotions can't handle these peaks and valleys. It's like that time I watched The Notebook and Legally Blonde 2 back to back; cried like a baby. As was to be expected, Matty Ice had little trouble with Tampa Bay, whose defense resembles a female bunny during mating season. they don't so much mount a defense, as present a defense to be mounted. With 3 TD passes, and 288 combined yards, I thought those 23.64 FAN points were just sweet amuse bouche to prepare my pallet for a Sunday points feast. Why do I kid myself? Frank Gore got completely shut out by Arizona's excellent defense, managing a paltry 10 yards. Montee Ball, who up until week 3 was looking like a solid week-to-week RB2, was only able to muster 38 receiving yards against the Seahawks despite 14 passes thrown his way. Due to the Lion's head-scratching domination of Green Bay, Randall Cobb only saw 6 passes for the entire game and managed only 3 completions for 29 yards.
Because life is a series of unfortunate events punctuated by a multitude of cruelties meant only to soften the fear of one's eventual death , The Criminals finally got hot in week 3, putting up their first over-projection performance. Hurrah! RB Steven Jackson was part of the Falcon's 56-14 drubbing of the Buc's, rushing for 56 yards and 1 TD. Panther's WR Kelvin Benjamin was able to grind out a solid performance despite a tough game against the Steelers, hauling in 8 of 11 passes for 115 rec yards and 1 TD.
What is it, Fantasy Gods? Am I not a loyal and faithful servant? What is it I must do? Learn to throw a perfect spiral? Make better Flex decisions (editor's note: yes), Get arrested for assault?
The Mountain Men (Antoine) vs. Bounty Hunters (Iain)
You'd think I'd be a tad indifferent regarding the fates of these two teams, them being the ones who handed my squad their week 1 and week 2 respective losses, but it should come as no surprise that I was pulling for the Mountain Men in week 3. First off, this MacMillan-Wills duo seems to be quite the fantasy power couple (We all know who makes the Waiver Wire decisions in that house). Secondly, Iain Wills is just the worst! The guy has a bumper sticker that reads "Ukrainian independence? Crimea river!", What a jerk, right?
Unfortunately, The Men were unable to put a dent in The Hunters flannel armor; while QB Nick Foles was on fire against the perpetually tepid Washington, throwing for 325 yards and 3 TDs, Keenan Allen was useless against the Bills, catching 2 passes for a whopping 17 yards. while Allen might try to explain his poor play as due to recovery from a groin injury, recent NFL history tells us that blaming your dick for being shitty is no longer a viable defense. To make matter worse, Carolina's defense couldn't put up any sort of fight against Ben Roethlisberger (I'm just going to let that sit there, and you can use your own imaginations. Maybe something about how tough it must be to throw passes when your cup is pinching?)
Big Ben's sexual arousal was a boon to the Hunters', as Antonio Brown was on the receiving end of most of Roethlisberger's output, catching all 10 passes thrown to him for 90 yards and 2 TDs. It's amazing Brown was able to generate so many yards, considering he was carrying all that dead weight (read: most of The hunter's line up). Kicker Adam Vinatieri took advantage of his many, many opportunities against Jacksonville, hitting three field goals, two from past the 40 yard mark, and 5 PATs.
Einhorn is Finkle (Kelleye) vs. Spud and Dud (Zach)
Good God, team Einhorn is fucking scary good, you guys. This week 3 win of Spud and Dud marks three straight victories, none of which saw the Finkles dip below 90 points. What brave, handsome warrior will save us from this behemoth? Only time will tell.
QB Peyton Manning was totally Peyton Manning on Sunday. Despite dropping a tight contest to the Seahawks, and thus reliving one of the saddest Superbowls in modern history, Peyton passed for 303 yards, 2 TDs and a 2-pt convert. Not bad! However, in the future if team Finkle ever feels that Peyton is facing an unfavorable match up she would simply need to make a withdrawal from her GLISTENING BANK OF QUARTERBACK RICHES. Seriously, is this some exercise in Reagan-era trickle-down fantasy economics? For Manning's week 4 bye, Finkle has the choice of Russell "My team is basically unstoppable" Wilson and Eli "I'm as shocked as you are that I'm a viable fantasy option this year" Manning. It's akin to Kanye West leaving his mansion in the morning and being told his solid gold private jet is unavailable for his trip to Price Chopper. "Ugh, Well I guess I'll either take the diamond space shuttle or the sapphire-encrusted helicopter made entirely of smaller sapphire-encrusted helicopters. #worstdayever!"
Spud and Dud was actually projected for the win, but QB Mirton Pearl's sloppy game against the Pack mashed any hope Zach may have had. Despite throwing for 248 yards, NL10-SUP couldn't get into the endzone and committed 2 interceptions. It's as if the ball was really hot and he had to pass it to someone on the opposing team. Making matters worse was Andre Johnson's "effort" against the giants. It was a off-day for the entire Houston offensive squad, with Johnson only able to catch 4 of the 11 balls thrown his way for 28 yards. To be fair, the Spuds are recouping from a series of big injuries, so expect better numbers in the weeks to come once TE Vernon Davis gets healthy.
Troy Polamalu's Hair (Nathasa and Mich) vs. Halifax Explosions (Ryan)
Yeesh. This was another solid week from team Polamalu, but the real story here is the week 3 humanitarian crisis that is the Halifax Explosions. What was the fallout from this week's explosion? Sadness? Failure? Indifference? It certainly wasn't points. 67% of team Splody's point output came from QB Phillip Rivers, who had a solid outing against the Bills with 256 passing yards and 2 TDS, and RB Rashad Jennings who had his best game of the season so far against the Texans rushing for 196 yards and 1 TD. For fun's sake, let's look at team Splody's point total if these two guys had taken an arrow to the knee (yes, 3 year old gaming jokes are still funny): 20.3. Yeesh. Yeeeeeeesh. And while there were a number of questionable line up choices (for example, starting Brandon Marshall despite all indications that his ankle was a sturdy as Wes Welker at the Amphetamines Supermarket), it's not like the Splodey's had many options sitting on the pine; the three players who did happen to play mustered a spicy 14.50 points. gross. Also, what the fuck is Johnny Football doing on anyone's roster? Word to The Explosions; "Having Chiseled Features" and "Doing Commercials" are not stats we track in this league.
Team Polamalu had a respectable week; wide receivers Dez Bryant and Michael Crabtree both had productive outings combining for 189 rec yards and 2 TDs, although the star of the show was Jeremy Maclin, who has been a beast this year despite recovering from an ACL tear last season. Maclin lit up Washington for 154 yards and 1 TD. His FAN point total would have been even even higher had his 1st quarter 80-yard TD run not been wiped out by a stupid illegal backfield block. Really nothing bad to say here; of course Joique Ball should have fared better than 33 yards on 15 touches. that's only 2.2 YPC, which is a number larger than the individual FAN point total for four players on the Explosions roster. Stats are fun!
John's Dazzling Team (John) vs. Brolo El Cunado (Andrew)
It's been a rough go for Team John so far this season; despite a week 1 win against league punching bag The Toucherdowners, The Dazzlers suffered tough losses in week 2 and 3 and while week 2's defeat may have been due to pilot error, this week just seems like an tragic accident. QB Andrew Luck laid waste to the Jags, passing for 370 yards and 4 TDs and racking up 32.30 FAN points. You'd think that sort of effort would inspire the rest of Team John's line up to go for gold, but it appears this particular message was lost in translation as WR Larry Fitzgerald and RB LeSean McCoy took Luck's victory lap as a signal to take an unofficial bye week. Fitzgerald appeared to be suffering from Neighborhood Little Brother syndrome against the 49ers, getting targets only when QB Drew Stanton's mom told him to be nice and let Fitzy play with the big boys. You'd think that Fitzgerald would try to make the most of the lack of attention, but he was only able to haul in 3 of his 7 opportunities for 34 yards. LeSean McCoy's meager point total isn't from a lack of trying; McCoy rushed 20 times throughout their game against Washington, but was held to 22 yards. Before Washington defensive coaches start handing out congratulatory blowjobs, this was more a complete failure by the Eagles O-line who only last year were the best in the league and now look like parents who want their kids to think their cool and therefor can't enforce rules. They can tell Christie that her curfew is 10:00pm sharp as much as they like, be we all know that this evening is ending is some sweet 2:00am 2nd base action for some lucky gas station attendant.
Team Brolo had a surprisingly solid week despite QB Aaron Rodgers getting rocked by the Lions. Rodgers was held to 162 yards, 1 TD, and a FAN point total that was 1/3 that of Team John's QB. Thankfully, the rest of Team Brolo's squad took a page out of Team John's playbook and played "Opposite Day" with their QB, in this case rallying to make up a sizable deficit. Key to team Brolo's final score of 94.98 was WR Julio Jones, who racked up 191 receiving yards and 2 TDs against the comically awful Bucs. RB Knile Davis had a really knice game against the Dolphins rushing for 132 yards and a TD. Team Raffi has had a rough season so far, but with good depth especially at the TE spot, look to this squad to start climbing the rankings.
The Footbalcoholics (Jesse #2) vs. The Toucherdowners (Mounia)
Well, I'll be. I guess a broken clock can be right at least once a season (that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you properly mutilate a metaphor). The Toucherdowners, who for the first two weeks stood as an example of what happens when you drink and draft, had a really strong week three despite QB Giselle Bundchen's pool boy continuing his campaign to completely destroy his own legacy. Seriously, what the fuck is up with the Pats this season? Brady hasn't had a game where he's thrown for over 250 yards and his entire receiving core seems allergic to ball contact. Did Bellichick discover the true meaning of Christmas in the offseason and lose his ability to instill mortal terror with his grimace?
The Toucherdowners relied heavily on Marshawn Lynch turning on the Beast Mode against the Broncos. Lynch rushed for 88 yards and 1 rushing TD and hauled in a catch for a TD as well. Steelers kicker Shaun Suisham, whose last name makes me think he should be served at an IKEA thanksgiving, had a giant game against the Panthers.
The Footbalcoholics need help, or some sort of telethon. Jesse, if you can see this message, we love and accept you. Please come back to us. While it was indeed unclear if Roddy White would play on Thursday against the Bucs, we live in a world of modern conveniences that includes mobile technology that allows us to make last minute line up changes on the fly. The Footballalcoholics maybe could have subbed in one of their really excellent bench playe..... oh, wow. This is like watching an episode of Horders. How does anyone let it get this bad? Jesse, your back up QB is very likely never playing football again and Josh Gordon is not coming back until week 12. You have an empty roster spot, for Christsakes. Seriously man, lock it the fuck up.
Manager of the Week: Einhorn is Finkle (Kelleye) - Another solid week from a an incredibly well balanced team. The team that finally serves Team Finkle a loss will surely be one destiny for glory.
Manager of the Weak: The Footbalcoholics (Jesse #2) - Jesus dude, get help. How in a just universe are you over .500?
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