View From The Rafters: Week 2

View from the Rafters: Week 2

Welcome back! How’d all your matchups turn ou…god damn it Kenny! 12th place!?

The Loose Ends (Shane) VS Suicidal Bunnies (Justin)

While “Suicidal Bunnies Pulls off Comeback over The Loose Ends “may be the most offensive headline I’ve seen on Yahoo to date, this was a great matchup between two of the league’s offensive juggernauts. The Loose Ends got some big help from Morris, West and Marshall, the latter of which ended up exceeding projection with a deadly 22.80 in Chicago’s win over San Fran.  Earlier in the day, all indications pointed to this guy not playing. Rotoworld said maybe he should be benched.  Yahoo Sports said ‘75% he’s not going’.  Ryan Gainer said ‘That’s terrifying; I’m gonna bench this weak-handed vagina-face for something more certain’.  I missed out on 22.8 points because I called Brandon Marshall a vagina-face. God damn it, good read Shane.  

Unfortunately for The Loose Ends, firing on most cylinders (I’m looking at you, Shithawks!) was not enough to beat the Suicidal Bunnies.  With another monster game from Luck (19.88) and McCoy (16.20)…Jones…Crosby, Cinc…Okay, okay, let me communicate this differently: Pierre Garcon was the only guy on the Suicidal Bunnies who didn’t contribute.  Let’s spend some time degrading him. First, he plays for Washington, who despite my many emails, won’t change their offensive name to any one of these clever alternatives: Washington “Kickbacks”, “Pilgrim-Fighters”, or “Pork Barrels”.  Second, even with Jackson’s injury, Garcon made only one catch for 12 yards in a 41-10 win against the Jags.  Y’know when Pro Bowl teams get together during a game and hike the ball to a sick child for a down?  That child usually gets a touchdown and is all smiles.  Garcon did exceptionally worse with his single opportunity and just pouted for the rest of the day.  The Suicidal Bunnies can afford a sick kid or two on their roster, as the rest have been dominating.

Only Foles rush in (Judy) VS The Crew Sluts (Matt)

Ah, the statistical succubus that is Yahoo point projection totals.  I guess it wasn’t ALL wrong – This was a terribly one-sided matchup, they just mixed up for whom.  Like KFC, DMV, and the CBC, Only Foles had greasy disappointment coming from all angles.  It seems as though the only option for Jackson is to replace the entire Buccaneers cheerleading squad, don pom-poms, hot pants and a taut physique in order to get McCown to notice he’s a viable candidate for doing “The Football”. Another display of the sadface was Jarrett Boykin who went for a paltry 0.60, which as reported by Rotoworld, “…could be a death sentence kind of game for Boykin”. Relax Boykin, Wisconsin abolished the death penalty for all reasons except treason and…oh! Wikipedia footnote adds: “and especially shitty ball handling”.  Uh oh.

The Crew Sluts were an anomaly this week, with New England’s D going over 3 TIMES their projected totals.  I haven’t seen 6 sacks during a game since “Kilts & Fans Fridays” at the Metro Centre!  Through the veil of poor showings by White, Bush and Crowell, The Crew Sluts had some passable relief in the form of RB Jon Stewart and TE Larry Donnell. There were better showings on the bench by Richardson and Johnson, but I understand that ‘Switching’ teammates so close to Adrien Peterson must be a touchy subject and best to avoid it altogether.  

Evil Equestranauts (Jennifer) VS The Bobbum Men (Ryan W.)

“Sproles was simply unstoppable. He had Eagles beat writers calling it one of the best running back performances they'd seen in team history.” Isn’t it messed up that, all of it…All of it, means nothing? The real Sproles is probably bathing in liquor and Ferrero Rocher coated meatsticks, celebrating an absolutely fabulous performance.  CFL Fantasy Sproles, on the other hand, spent the week impersonating Jesse Gainer’s ‘I’m falling asleep but I don’t want you to know I’m falling asleep’ head-jarring narcolepsy while sitting squarely on Bobbum’s bench.  

I can’t harp on Bobbum too much; he had some stellar contributions from Rodgers (28.64!), Cobb, Pierce and Asiata.  And then there is A.J. Green. As Soccer is known for dives, Basketball for pinky injuries, and Baseball for…being Baseball, Green decided to reject the stereotype of burly, strongman football player by sitting this one out ‘cause his toe felt funny.  Added Bobbum embarrassment came from TE down to special teams this week with a combined total of just 12.20 points, leading one to ask if this was due to an equipmunk-malfunction.

Turning the page, Evil E’s saw their best projection from Manning…and a Kicker. Had Bailey not watched Dragonball Z the night before and gone full Super Saiyan on Kansas City, this would have been an incredibly tight matchup. Evil E’s move to include Crabtree following a concerning calf injury was rewarded with 14.20 points, and Rainey smashed projection thanks to an injured Doug Martin.

Plaxico’(yay!)s Thigh (Ryan P.) VS Touchdown Syndrome (Aaron)

2…no 3 injuries and Plaxico still comes out with the win! This one started with some passive aggressive smack talk between both players. May I offer a suggestion for your subsequent matchups? Remember BoneSaw, from the first Spiderman movie? He was the anabolic wonder that kept shouting BONESAW to anyone who gave him a microphone.  Emulate that excitement! I want FULL CAPS, poorly constructed sentences, and complete confidence that you’re gonna BONESAW THE SHIT out of the other team!

On to the matchup! Playing Rivers against the Seahawks took cajones.  I certainly didn’t have them.  Plaxico did, and was dutifully rewarded.  Getting more points than the QB who threw 3 pass TDs this week was Jordy Nelson (26.90), absolutely destroying the NY Jets. The other contributing factor to Plaxico’s win was Vinatieri and the Carolina D. I can only assume all that practice kicking dogs helped Vinatieri produce good numbers.  Also, from the week 1 write up: “Remember that at 34, it takes Gates a few days to meander his increasingly immobile body from bench to active roster.”  It’s unfortunate Gates wasn’t able to make the steep ascent to your active roster. Again.  With 27.60 points, maybe it’s time to invest in one of these to finally get him up there? Just a thought.

Touchdown Syndrome’s got some sizeable contribution from Wilson, Giovani “My last name is far less exciting than my first” Bernard, and Frank Gore. Allen Hurns get’s the KFC Double Down award for shitting the bed twice, as his crap production (1.30) was a result of few targets and even fewer receptions. To top off this poop sundae, Hurns twisted his ankle and injured himself with only 21 seconds left on the clock.  This disappointment wouldn’t be a true KFC Double Down if it only happened to one of the Syndrome’s offense.  Vernon Davis did the exact same thing!

Emma’s Peachs (Emma) VS Leather and Lacy (Kenny)

“Ingram suffered a broken hand in the first half of Sunday's loss to the Browns, but played through it.” Because that’s how football players DO, A.J. Green. Sorry, I’m still mad about that one.

This one had the Peachs (spelling still benched, eh?) looking like the underdog by 9.97 points, but Edelman, Ingram-Brokenhand, and Gostkowski pushed them over the edge to upset Leather and Lacy, an increasingly apt name as continued domination from other players leads one to suspect some kind of repressed masochism.  Dr. J is available for consultation once you get to the NFL, Kenny.  

Unfortunately, Foster and Walker’s combined point total of 41.20 was not enough to offset Brady’s tepid outing in Minnesota and the surprisingly poor production of Wayne and namesake Eddie Lacy. Leather and Lacy will have the opportunity to rebound in Week 3, especially with the addition of Khiry Robinson.  

The Big Gronkowski (Leigh) VS Victorious Secret (Nat)

Haha.

Hahaha.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

F*ck Kickers, I guess!  For the 2nd week in a row, Leigh used Suspended kicker, Matt Prater, and showed she has the biggest Gronks of them all by decimating the projections with a 116.74 – 85.24 win.  With disappointing showings from Gerhart, Wright, and (I’m mentioning it again) Suspended kicker Matt Prater, The Big Gronks would have needed exceptional starts from her remaining roster to eke out a win.  This is exactly what happened. If ever you find yourself discussing sexual fantasies with your partners this week, please be sure to recite the following: Cutler’s 4 Pass TDS, Demarco Murray’s 167 Rush Yds, and Jimmy Graham’s 2 Receiving TDs. Naughty!

On a less moist part of the field, Victorius Secret had adequate numbers from Thomas and Bell, while Matt Ryan underperformed, and C. Johnson reminds he’s not the OTHER C. Johnson.  Buffalo had a fantastic showing this week, and combined with Tucker registering 34 of the Secret’s 85.24 points. Given the outcome of this matchup, Tucker should have just hung out with Prater, who has presumably spent the past two weeks drinking away suspension woes.

Manager of the Week:  Emma’s Peachs – Edelman is starting to show his week to week value, and while Ingram’s injury will cost the Peachs, the roster depth of solid players here makes her an increasing threat.  

Manager of the Weak:  Victorious Secret – Don’t feel bad, Victorious.  This is tradition.  Getting beat by someone who decides that maybe Alcoholics Anonymous will intervene and score points for their kicker, has to give you this week’s weak.