Commissioner's Report: Week 1

Hear me, O glorious pantheon of football Titans! You, the proud, wise masters of the Thursday-through-Monday gauntlet. Masters of flex decisions! Harvesters of the waiver wire! Lovers of overly complex Facebook polls and passive-aggressive, flannel-infused expressions of your displeasure with my flawless administration of  league justice. Beneficiaries of last-minute rule changes!  It is time for us to once again reconvene and  recount the tales of the week that was. It is time for THE COMMISSIONER'S REPORT: WEEK 1! (thunder and lightening)

For those interested in the study of human evolution, be sure to also read Halifax Explosion's GM Ryan Gainer's "View From the Rafters" which examines the competitive interactions of  early hominids. Truly riveting stuff! Like watching developmentally challenged ants under a magnifying glass! Anyhoo, let's move on to match-ups involving real people, shall we?

Cut Like Lewis (Jesse #1) vs. The Mountain Men (Antoine)

I have to admit that facing Antoine in Fantasy Football is always an incredibly nerve-racking experience for me. At its core, Fantasy Football is a game of probability, predictive analysis, and using large amounts of data to make informed decisions, and as The Mountain Men's GM holds the unique distinction of having the only web browser history that contains a Pornhub.com search for "Naughty Interquartile Ranges"  (Spoiler Alert: The Bar Chart gets a Non-Random Sample all over its Histogram), I feel I am at a distinct disadvantage.

So as you can imagine, I was pretty thrilled that the only touchdown pass that Aaron Rodgers could muster against the unstoppable fucking juggernaut that is the Seattle Seahawks during the season opener landed in the soft, supple hands of Randall Cobb. Come Sunday evening, my odds seemed to be improving as Falcon's QB Matt Ryan started racking up points against The Saints. He ended the night having thrown for almost 450 yards and 3 TDs generating 31.42 FAN points! Jesus! What's that in RG3's? That's got to be at least five RG3's! Combined with stellar performances from AJ Green and Montee Ball, I started to hold out hope that I would have a winning record fore the first time in 10 months. All I needed was for Washington TE Jordan Reed and Giant's WR Rueben Randle to not completely fuck the dog and I was home free! Surely these guys could combine for more than......5 yards? Really guys? I've taken shits longer than that and nobody seems interested in an official Jesse Gainer Post-Corn Chowder jersey. While Reed's lack of production was due to a hamstring injury, Randle complained that he and Eli Manning "weren't on the same page yet". Fellas, if the poop-jersey's start selling, I'll pay for couples counseling.

Of course, my loss this week had more to do with The Mountain Men's solid week 1 performance. Despite a slow start from QB Nick Foles, The Men got excellent production out of DeMarco Murray, who rushed for 188 yards and 1 TD, and Saints running back Mark Ingram, who seems to be Drew Brees' preferred guy for early-down yardage, as long as the rest of The Saint's backfield continues to suck. As I am sure both The Halifax Explosions and Finkle is Einhorn can attest, being least-worst has its upside.


Bounty Hunters (Iain) vs. Spud and Dud (Zach)

As should be clear to league members who have read my reports throughout the years, unwavering objectivity is the key pillar of my analysis. So it is with great regret that I must violate one of my most sacred core values. I could use the proceeding space to tell you that this was an excellent contest between two fairly well matched teams that came down to an uneven battle at the quarterback position. To be sure, The Bounty Hunters were forced to rely on a Dwayne Bowe-less Alex Smith while hotshot Panther's QB Cam Newton continued to recover from rib injuries. The Spuds saw a vitamin-rich, gluten-free performance from QB Starch McFrite that should keep the Irish fed for at least a generation. King Tuber's 346 yard, 3 TD, 0 INT night also saw the diet staple record one of  his best passing percentages in his last 32 starts.
I could also mention that Hunters WR Antonio Brown was able to bust projection with a 168 yard, 1 TD night while also delivering a hilarious kung-fu jump kick to Brown's punter Spencer Lanning, but this wasn't enough to overcome a Spuds team that saw superstar Tight End Vernon Davis dominate the red zone against the Cowboys for 2 TD's.
I could say that the above commentary would lead us to believe that 2013 league champ narrowly squeaked out the win against a worthy opponent, but I choose not to. Instead, I choose to explain to you exactly why The Hunters fell short in week 1:

God

 Or, more specifically, God's judgement of his poor servant, Iain Wills. Iain Wills is an awful person. He is a low creature beyond our help. He is a petty, contemptible, villain whose shriveled, dead heart is warmed only slightly by the suffering of small animals and underprivileged children. His diet consists entirely of misery. Actively crushing the dreams of migrant families is the only way in which he can achieve orgasm. He hasn't paid taxes in 5 years. He was unnecessarily short with the Starbucks barista whose only crime was over-frothing his double caramel Macchiato. In conclusion, the bounty hunters' loss in week one is irrefutable proof that God loves us and wishes for us to be happy.

Concussed Criminals vs. Halifax Explosions

This week had to be a bit of a heartbreaker for The Criminals. To be up by almost 20 FAN points after the early Sunday games only to have KC Chief's head coach Andy Reid decide to employ the "So Shitty it Might Work" strategy of giving elite RB Jamaal Charles only 11 touches during their game against The Titans. One has to admire the camaraderie displayed between the members of the Criminals starting line up; being this collectively repugnant, especially at the RB position where Charles, Doug Martin and Tony Gerhart combined for a depressing 10.70 FAN points, must take considerable effort and, to add extra farty topping to the shit-sundae, both Martin and Gerhart left their respective games due to injury. Thankfully, the Criminals have sufficient bench depth to replace these guys with other equally shitty running backs. One bright spot for the Criminals, the eye of the shit-nado if you will, was the performance of Cordarrelle Patterson, the 2nd year Vikings WR whose combined 128 yards and 1 TD netted the Criminals 18.8 FAN points.

Team Splody had an okay Week 1 outing, with standout performances from running backs Rashad Jennings and Knowshon Moreno, with Jennings logging 1 TD and 96 total yards and Moreno posting 134 rushing yards and 1 TD. QB Phillip Rivers had a below-average game in terms of production, passing for only 238 yards and 1 TD, due mostly to the intense pressure he faced from the Arizona defense. Unfortunately for the Explosions, the Rams defense realized that the best method for avoiding career ending injuries is to give up early and often. They can't put you on the DL for a broken spirit!

Einhorn is Finkle (Kelleye) vs. Brolo el Cunado (Andrew)

I am fully aware that it is not an appropriate time to be talking about one-sided fist fights, but it is hard to describe the match up between these two teams without alluding to the incident we are all thinking about; the 480 BC battle of Salamis during the second Persian invasion of Greece, an event made only more sickening by the fact that the Spartan League of Athletics took three decades to sanction the Persians and only after irrefutable scrolls were made public.

Team Finkle was asshole-punkeringly terrifying in week 1. Now, I use the word terrifying here because GM Kelleye earned 60% of her 127.56 FAN point total from the work of only three players.  QB Peyton Manning got hot and heavy with receiver and Einhorn is Finkle teammate Julius Thomas early in the first quarter, racking up 3 TD's and 269 passing yards. As well, Le'Veon Bell looked like he was playing keep away against the Browns, rushing for 109 yards and 1 TD, plus hauling in 6 catches for another 88 yards.  So, why is this scary? One need only look at the Finkle bench to pierce the veil of utter madness. Backup Tight end? Fuck that. Back up Running Backs? One, and he's injured. Back Up Quarterback? How about back up quarterbacks plural and one of them is Russell Wilson (Seriously Kelleye, having both Manning and Wilson on your roster is like dangling the promise of Christmas dinner in front of Tiny Tim-esque teams like The Toucherdowners.). My point is that while Einhorn is Finkle's current line up will continue to kick scrote, her strategy seems to rely on the long term health of three men whose job involves being chased by large men who wish to do them harm.

It's hard to admonish Team Brolo for taking QB Aaron Rodgers over Ben "It's Only Sexy if Someone Gets Traumatized" Roethlisberger. Rodgers is almost always a safe bet, but with a week 1 contest against the team who made Peyton look like Eli in last year's Superbowl, I think Big Ben against the predictably soft Browns would have been the prudent choice. Hindsight is 20/20, i guess. ( this is also known throughout Pennsylvania criminal law circles as the "Roethlisberger Defense").


Troy Polamalu's Hair (Michelle & Natasha) vs. The Footbalcoholics (Jesse #2)

There is clearly some ripe, low-hanging fruit here; a team GM'd in part by a Cowboys fan suffers a humiliating defeat in which the best performance came from the kicker.  Even better, one of the many, many disappointing performances from team Polamalu came from none other than Dallas Wide Receiver Dez Bryant, who managed a measly 55 receiving yards during the Cowboy's game against the 49ers. To be fair, Bryant might have fared a bit better if Tony " I Sweat Butter" Romo hadn't attempting to throw to him in double coverage. Bryant apparently suffered from serious dehydration in the second half. I guess there is only so much uncontrollable sobbing one man can do before it starts to affect his performance.

The Footbalcoholics looked rather sharp, busting their week 1 projection by 22.6 points, a feat aided greatly by WR Calvin Johnson's 164 receiving yards and 2 TDs against a comically bad NY Gaints team. It truly seemed that no single member of the NY Giants defense wanted to be blamed for ineffectively covering Megatron, so they just gave him a wide berth. QB Colin Kaepernick could have put up far more than his still respectable 17.14 FAN points, but San Fran's lead against a hilariously outmatched Dallas squad was so great at the end of the 1st quarter that Kaep could afford to take the foot off the gas and spend time contemplating his next mega-douchy tattoo.

the 'Holics need may consider a quick trip to the med bay, as a number of the squad's main players took some lumps in week 1 or are still recovering from pre-existing issues. Thankfully, Dwayne Bowe has served his one-game "Drugs are bad, m;kay?" sentence and will be ready to roll in week 2.


John's Dazzling Team ( John) vs. The Toucherdowners (Mounia)

What could be sweeter? It's Thursday evening, the sun is setting but the air remains warm, you're poolside with a delicious cocktail and a strong WiFi connection, and Marshawn Lynch is handing out Dallas Cowboy jerseys to the Green Bay secondary. Lynch's 110 rushing yards and 2 TD's  combined with Percy Harvin's 100 total yards wraps you in a warm blanket of FAN point security. Sure, kicker Mason Crosby came up a little short, but who can compete with Beast Mode? Besides, Tom Brady should be able to dole out sufficient punishment against the paltry Dolphins, right?

Well, it seems that old Tom got his Giselles in a Bundchen, managing only a single TD pass and losing two fumbles. The King of the Water Park was only able to complete a laughable 6 of 21 passes in the 4th quarter,  tossing balls all over the place with only the faintest hope of contact. Sounds like the high school experience Tom never had.

John's Dazzling Team fared far better at the QB position, with Andrew Luck putting up 2 TDs and 370 passing yards. Luck's numbers get an added boost from the Colt running game which can be best described as "theoretical". Running Back Carlos Hyde surprised everyone by not being completely useless, rushing for 50  yards and punching in a late-game TD. While most would argue that the smart play would have been to bench Hyde in favor of Philly RB Darren Sproles, shrewd manager Doc J. knew that any match up against Dallas is akin to shooting a bunch of confused, overpaid fish in a barrel.

A bit of advice to both managers: as any adult film casting agent worth his or her salt can tell you, Tight Ends are your friend.


Manager of the Week: Spud and Dud (Zach) - The 2013 league champ drafted an incredibly well-balanced team that threatens to repeat. While his week 1 margin of victory wasn't massive, Zach's squad looks to be a threat every week.

Manager of the Weak: The Toucherdowners (Mounia) - Sports highlight shows all maintain a bank of video clips depicting a drunk, mulleted baseball fan sailing through the air to catch a fowl ball moments before eating a gob-full of concrete. Yes, Marshawn Lynch is a sweet pick, but he can only do so much for a team that thought a QB duo of Tom Brady and Eli Manning would produce anything besides indigestion.  (Update: The Toucherdowner's have just recently dumped the Derp for a hot load of Jaquizz.)