Commissioner's Report: Week 2

Better late than never! It's the Commissioner's Report for Week 2! Let's see how many grossly inappropriate jokes we can make about the always hilarious topic of domestic violence!

Cut Like Lewis (Jesse #1) vs. Bounty Hunters (Iain)

Hollywood lies to you. The TV lies to you. Your parents, when telling you fanciful tales meant to quiet young thoughts and send you off to peaceful sleep, are lying to you. Proper fiction, we've been told, presents a hero, creates a challenge or nemesis, and near the end of the tale when all seems lost and our aforementioned hero and they seems sure to fall prey to the forces of darkness, they triumph, proving that good will always grab evil by the testicles and twist vigorously.

Sadly, real life is a very different and much more melancholy adventure. Poverty and sickness ravage a massive portion of the world's population, Financial institutions see human misery as a trade-able derivative, War-monger governments push agendas that invariably send young men and women to the meat grinder, and Iain Wills beat me in Fantasy football.

Say what you will about the last Batman movie, but when ol' Grumbles McBat was stuck in that underground prison, that line about the prison being really awful because it gave you the hope of escape hit pretty fucking close to home this week. Things were looking fairly grim early on; coming off of arguable the best game of his career, QB Matt Ryan looked completely stunned by the Bengals, completing a paltry 24 of 44 passes and getting picked off three times. The Hunters further benefited from the shittiness of the Falcons' offense, fielding Cincinnati RB Giovanni Bernard who rushed for 90 yards and a TD, and tacked on an additional 27 receiving yards. The Hunters also dominated at the TE position, with Delanie Walker busting projection by 14.14 FAN points, hauling in 10 receptions for 142 yards and 1 TD. My squad will henceforth refer to the position as Loose Asshole.

However, by the grace of some cruel god, I was ahead by almost 3 FAN points by Sunday's end! All we needed was for Adam Vinatieri to break a bone, or kick his girlfriend's dog, and I was in the clear! Over the Cut Like Lewis dressing room door, I'm going to paint "Abandon All Hope, All Ye Who Play For My Team"


The Mountain Men (Antoine) vs. The Toucherdowners (Mounia)

Ho-ly fuck. I feel like I need to organize a candlelight vigil or some sort of bake sale. If he hasn't already, Antoine should expect an e-mail from Roger Goodell that simply says " Don't worry bro, I got this". The esteemed members of the ESPN Sunday Night Countdown panel would certainly hold this result up as another example of  the moral failure of today's NFL. Seriously Antoine, take some cues from Superbowl champ and Paragon of Virtue Ray Lewis; if you're going to beat up on someone, just kill them and dispose of the body. Instead of getting fired, you'll end up with a cushy media job!

This was the perfect storm of one team going completely over 9000 while the other team took a couple of Quaaludes, put on the shame Snuggie, popped on a Perfect Strangers DVD, and silently begged for our collective pity. If there was any respite for The Toucherdowners, it was that The Men could not be stopped this week; DeMarco Murray, Alfred Morris, and Jimmy Graham combined for 65.50 FAN points, 0.16 points shy of The Toucherdowners total production. Kicker Dan Carpenter was responsible for 17 of The Bills 29 points against The Dolphins.

On the other side of the virtual field, The Toucherdowners looked like that stray dog that always seems to show up on your porch around the holidays. Sure, part of you wants to take it in and nurse it back to health, but the other part of you can't deal with the smell of failure. If God wanted that dog to live, it would have helped it draft a better team. The King of Splash Mountain took the night off against the Vikings, throwing for only 149 yards and 1 TD and letting his defense score all the points. RB Pierre Thomas was a total bridesmaid, as QB Drew Brees through to his main squeeze Jimmy Graham all night. Sadder still was The Toucherdowners bench, who managed a hilarious 8.20 FAN points between them. Seriously, I've had Loose Assholes score more points than that.


Concussed Criminals (Gabe) vs. Spud and Dud (Zach)

What is God's Green, American-Made Earth possesses someone to bench Jay Cutler in favor of Ryan Fitzpatrick? Drugs? Communism? Ennui? Was it the match-up? Sure, Oakland's not that great, but Ol' Fitzy didn't exactly light it up against Washington in week one. Versus the Raiders, Fitzpatrick threw a total of 19 passes the entire game, completing 14 for a single TD. In his week 1 game against the Bills Jay Cutler threw 49 passes, completing 34 for 349 yards and 2 TDs. This week, he completed another 23 passes, and earned 4 more TDs. Let's break this down further; in two weeks of play, Jay Cutler has thrown almost twice as many passes. twice as many completions, for twice as many touchdowns. That certainly is a lot of twos.The Criminals are 0 and 2.  Hey, funny coincidence!

The Spuds squeaked by despite a pretty rough week. Jordy Nelson made the Jets look like they were flying out of Malaysia, racking up a career high 209 receiving yards and 1 TD. QB Sheppard's Pie put up semi-decent FAN points despite getting whipped by Carolina. It's hard to put blame on kicker Blair Walsh's shoulders when The Vikings couldn't even get him in range for a single field goal. Matt Forte, on the other hand, played what will probably be the worst game of his season against the 49ers, whose defense had his number all night.

Gabe, either start making better line up choices, or grow red hair and learn to make delicious Bloody Caesars.


Einhorn is Finkle (Kelleye) vs. Halifax Explosions (Ryan)

It's hard to give Team Splodey too much guff for benching Phillip Rivers in favor of  Jake Locker. Locker looked fucking resplendent in week one and Rivers was facing the rectum-quiveringly spooky Seahawks in week 2. Who would have guessed Rivers had the cahones to rack up over 300 combined yards and 3 TDs against the Legion of Boom? It would also be poor form to give Ryan guff for his QB choice because neither Locker or Rivers provided him enough points to prevent NFL powerhouse and reigning Super League champ Einhorn is Finkle from crushing his jimmies in week 2.

While not as dominant as her week 1 drubbing of Brolo el Cunado, Team Einhorn managed a respectable 98.98 FAN points, with another solid effort from QB Peyton Manning. Manning's 242-yard, 3 TD night actually had him come in about 3 points shy of his 24.17 point projection, However one man's minor disappointment is apparently another man's career aspiration; Peyton's final tally of 21.85 beat Locker's projection by about 3 points, and crushed his actual, rather pitiful score by over 9 points.

Neither team had much luck at the Wide Receiver position with Victor Cruz, Pierre Garcon, Vincent Jackson, and Kendall Wright combining for zero TDs, 151 yards, and 16.4 FAN points. Guys, what happened? Who stole all of your points! Why, it was that cheeky rogue Brandon Marshall! He hid his 3 TDs and 22.8 FAN points under Team Splody's bench. What a scamp!

If there is solace to be had for Halifax Explosions, it is that they narrowly escaped earning the season's first "13th Man" trophy, as their starting line up eeked out a 2.2 FAN point victory against their own bench. I mean, talk about depth, right?

Troy Polamalu's Hair (Natasha & Michelle) vs. Brolo el Cunado (Andrew)

It's been a rough season so far for Team Raffi; a tough match up for QB Aaron Rodgers in the season opener led to a rather decisive loss against Einhorn is Finkle in week 1. Things looked much brighter in week 2, with Rodgers facing what can only be described as a future CFL expansion team. Unsurprisingly, Rodgers delivered racking up 274 yards and 3 TDs. Unfortunately, despite a spirited effort from The Bills Defense, the rest of Cunado's squad was un grupo de enfermos, burros perezosos que ganan más dinero de lo que valen.

It's  unfair to heap too much blame on Andrew's management; there is no way he would have been able to know that his marquee running back Adrian Peterson would be sidelined indefinitely with a broken moral compass.

Switching to Team Polamalu, WR Dez Bryant had a great game against The Titans, catching 10 passes for 103 yards and 1 TD. Rookie RB Terrence West seems to be bearing fruit, rushing 68 yards and a TD, plus an additional 22 yards receiving. With Ben Tate out for at least the next few weeks, West should see plenty of action in the next few games.

Marques Colston continues to claim he plays professional football for The Saints.


John's Dazzling Team (John) vs. The Footbalcoholics (Jesse #2)

I had an excellent childhood. I was fortunate to be born into a family with two loving parents who cared for me as best they could and helped mold me into the near-perfect specimen you see today whose monk-like humility is only surpassed by his raw, sexual magnetism. Like most young men, I idolized my father, a man who  possessed both incredible intelligence and resolute confidence. Therefor, there is a particular existential terror in witnessing one's idol make a series of line up decisions that prompt research into long-term care facilities for the infirm.

While me giving advice on Tight Ends is like Aaron Hernandez giving advice on conflict resolution, what the hell was the upside in starting Ho-Hum TE Heath Miller over Antonio Gates? Was there something special about Miller's 3 receptions for 26 yards in week 1? Did we all miss something? Sure, Gates had a pretty disappointing week 1 as well, but it netted almost  four times as many FAN points. Jump to week two, and Miller seems focused on maxing out his Money Earned per Yard stat line, while Gates hauls in all seven passes thrown his way for 96 yards and 3 TDs.

Team John also decided to give rookie RB Carlos Hyde a shot in lieu of veteran Darren Sproles. Sure, Hyde looked great in week 1, but he was facing the Dallas Cowboys. If asked, I'm fairly positive Roger Goodell would claim he's never actually seen video footage of a Cowboys game. Sproles, meanwhile, had one of the best performances in Eagles' RB history against The Colts, rushing for 26 yards, going 7-for-7 on catches for an additional 127 yards and a TD.

John's Dazzling Team also came the closest to earning the "13th Man" trophy, barely triumphing over his bench by a margin of  1.34 FAN points.

I don't mean to short-shrift the Footbalcoholics, as they certainly had a decent week; Arian Foster did a number on the Raiders, rushing for 138 yards and a TD. Jesse #2 also made the wise decision of putting absolutely no faith whatsoever in RG3, whose dislocated ankle will see him miss at least 6 to 8 weeks. While RG3's perpetual injury woes are certainly troubling, I must save my sympathy for my father's obviously fragile cognitive state. We'll get through this together, dad.



Manager of The Week: The Mountain Men - The Men set a league-high weekly point total despite being unable to field Wes Welker, who is still recovering from what Bronco's insiders are calling a "A fucking epic party, bro"

Manager of the Weak: John's Dazzling Team - Dad, you have two sons and a wife you love you very much. We are here for you. I think the cafeteria has jello. Your favorite! #pleasedontdisownme

And there you have it! Now on to week 3! Maybe I'll actually win this week!