View From The Rafters: Week 1

Good Afternoon Valueless Dregs CFL’ers!

My name is Ryan Gainer, my NFL team is the Halifax Explosions, and I’ll be writing the weekly matchups for the CFL group.  When I introduced the idea of an NFL elite taking time out of his busy schedule (today is Rosturbate Wednesday!) to review CFL matchups, my NFL brethren scoffed. “By jove!” Hingle McCringlberry (The 2014 Spud and Dud’s) said while brandishing his 2013 1st place crown in a tub of milk and honey, “Why stoop to the matters of commoners and invest yourself in the lives of the meek and miserly? The CFL is where good sport goes to die, old chum.” Brolo el Cuñado, echoed these statements: “Echo’d, Brolo.”.

Though these upper-rafter types may be too enthralled in their own personal quests for glory to appreciate the little guy, I see things differently.  The CFL and its members are the ground, the foundation, the fertilized cow shit wherein all the right components to an NFL worthy team are forged.  While the majority here will continue to suckle at the CFL teat of mediocrity at the end of the season, the top 4 will have demonstrated the skills necessary to ascend the ranks to NFL glory.  In fact, it’s kind of like that movie with Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson where a lottery determines who gets to live the rest of their lives on an island utopia. Although I think they eventually find out that there’s no real island, and all the winners are either taken out back and brutally murdered or used for organ harvesting...  Ahem.  

In any case, it’s my job to provide weekly matchup reviews and single out teams that have either made exceptionally smart and strategically well-crafted moves, or awe-inspiringly atrocious decisions that will earn them unceasing amounts of derision from yours truly.   For those who find themselves in the latter category, I do so only for your benefit – The dog who craps on the rug needs to know they’re a bad dog.  Amirite, Kenny?

While it will be natural to gravitate toward me as the authority figure, please remember that Shane Saunderson (The Loose Ends) is your appointed commissioner.  All league minutiae can be dealt with under his capable leadership.  

Without further adieu, let’s dive in to Week 1 matchups!

The Loose Ends (Shane) -vs- Only Foles rush in (Judy)  

I admittedly had a soft spot for Only Foles coming in to this matchup, as we both played Jackson, Ertz, and the Rams D in our respective leagues this week.  Unfortunately for Only Foles, Rams D got just one sack and no turnovers in the team’s 34-6 loss against the Vikings.  As well, V-Jax was decidedly ‘meh’, and I place the blame squarely on Josh McCown.  

On the other hand (cheek?), The Loose Ends had three players show up this week in Stafford, BEAST MODE! and Cooks.  That these three players point totals exceeded the entire output of Leather and Lacy’s team this week, must give Loose Ends a special kind of pants-based feeling.  However, as is typical with pants-based feelings, this could be a fleeting sensation.  Without the point generation from these three mammoth contributors, the rest of The Loose Ends line went under projections.

Lastly, while the temptation is high to berate the choice to bench Benjis and Ivory, I think this ultimately points to a strong roster that will serve Only Foles well in the future. Oh, and I won with V-Jax, Ertz and the Rams on MY team, so…

Suicidal Bunnies (Justin)  vs Touchdown Syndrome (Aaron)

  Did you guys just want all the points for yourselves? Kenny and Matt could use some if you’re the benevolent type. Anyway, a battle of titans in this one with massive contributions from Luck, Thomas, Johnson and…wait, 16 points from a Kicker?? Succop decided to ‘f*ck y’all’ and just play kickball against the Chiefs on Sunday.  TE Vernon Davis killed projections with an impressive 16.40, which is admirable considering all he does is just tweet about different kinds of soup. Though both players exceeded total point projections, Touchdown Syndrome did it with an impressive ‘GTFO’ attitude, going 28 points over.  Speaking of getting the f*ck out, the Baltimore Ravens have terminated the contract of Syndrome’s RB Ray Rice following the newest evidence in a long story of abuse that I can’t make jokes about.  GTFO Ray Rice.

What I CAN make jokes about is bench depth!  While each player this week chose the best rosters, Suicidal Bunnies had a point total of just 11.10 on the bench and Syndromes had four 0.00’s on his.  Let it be known that Bye Week Hell is real, it’s scary, and you both just tickled its meaty undercarriage with a ‘TROLOLOLOL’-like attitude.  Godspeed fellas.

Plaxico_s Thigh (Ryan P.) vs The Bobbum Men (Ryan W.)

This was a nice matchup between two of the better named teams in the league (but get your apostrophe fixed, P-Thighs!). Despite Rodgers’ atrocious start against an intimidating Seahawks defense, The Bobbum Men pushed out a win that partly relied on Plaxico’s Thigh’s poor performance compared to projections.  Bobbum Men’s best move was picking up Houston before they steamrolled the Washington “Offensive-Name’s”.  3 Sacks, 2 Fumble Recoveries, and a Touchdown. It’s like The Twelve Days of Christmas, except the offensive gifts received are in the form of dislocated shoulders and tears.  

Plexico had some unfortunate output by Witten, who Yahoo states ‘remains locked in as a TE1 as Romo's security blanket’.  I’m sure they have an adorable relationship, but if security is defined by scoring less than 2 fantasy points, maybe Gates would have been a better decision.  I’m sure Plaxico tried for this, but remember that at 34, it takes Gates a few days to meander his increasingly immobile body from bench to active roster.  Bobbum Men had excellent production from Green, Cobb, and the Gronks.  Bobbum could have switched out for Sproles, Flacco, and San Fran from the bench and still managed a sizeable lead, especially since Bernard Pierce decided to actively take points away from Bobbum Men this week. Good win Bobbum!

Evil Equestranauts (Jennifer) vs Leather and Lacy (Kenny)

With one of the closest point projected matchups, this was sure to be a great head to he…goddamn it, Kenny. To be fair, Cruz and Lacy should have seen much higher point totals, but injuries and shitty QBs have a way of sucking that potential out the door pretty quick. Hopefully Lacy bounces back from the concussion, otherwise the team will have to change its name to the less popular ‘Leather and Stacy’ or the even LESS popular ‘Leather and Sankey’.  The Equestranauts saw unsurprisingly great production from Manning and Ball, but good to see Cordarrelle Patterson live up to the hype this week with an 18.80 point total.  Unfortunately for the Evil E’s, Martin got injured and Crabtree is not a sure bet as he’s battling a calf injury.  Too bad because, as the namesake implies, this equestrian-based team will likely dispose of injured players instead of nursing them back to health, turning them into glue…or… Bob’s Burgers? (SHOWJOKEOMGVOMITLOL!)

Leather’n’Lacy saw Reed get injured early, a TE who is expected to be sidelined for some time. Maybe one of your many, many QBs can double as the functional TE you don’t have for week 2!  (Wednesday Edit:  TE picked up!) The bright lights for team Lacy was the ever-dependable Matt Bryant (with TWO 50+ kicks!), Floyd, and Foster.  Foster looks great, is extraordinarily healthy, and promises to have a consistent and fruitful production in 2014 and many, many years to come (Disclosure:  I was going to make an age joke about Foster, but then realized he’s a year younger than I am. So, shit.).  

Emma’s Peachs (Emma) vs Victorius Secret (Nat)

Flippity flopping projections, Victorius Secret upset the Emma P’s with a powerful 113.42 showing.  Victorius should prepare a little shrine for Matt Ryan and Le’Veon Bell and pray to it before bed every night, as together they had 57.12 points – contributing over HALF the point total of their entire team.  Victorius could have just Taco’d the TE, DEF, and K positions, left everything blank, and still come out with a win.  Now, I’m not sure what secret Victorius is hiding, but I suspect it has something to do with roster churning 3 Defenses before finally settling on Chicago. This would have been something I could have defended, but each churn (Buffalo-> Detroit-> Chicago) got progressively worse in their fantasy point production. It’s like making butter with regular ingredients, then substituting cream for bugs, and changing 2 teaspoons of salt to 4 pounds of black tar. I will now coin this move the ‘Shit Churn’.  Congratulations on your first Shit Churn, Victorius!

Emma’s Peachs (Or is it Peaches? Did you decide to bench proper spelling?) should not feel too disheartened with this loss, as most players on her active roster contributed double digit points.  It has to be pointed out that Peachs benched the spritely Carlos Hyde, a young up-and-comer who is going to have an easy time prying carries from the dusty clackers of Frank Gore, the aged RB of the 49’ers. The other unfortunate misstep was benching Hackensack’s own Mark Ingram who powered through the Atlanta D for 60 yards and 2 TDs. Did I mention he was from Hackensack??

The Big Gronkowski (Leigh) vs The Crew Sluts (Matt)  

Knox Harrington: So you're Lebowski. Maudie's told me all about you. She'll be back in a moment, sit down. Would you like a drink?
The Dude: [as he sits down] Uh, yeah. White Russian?
Knox Harrington: The bar's over there.

I imagine the series of events that led to Matt Prater’s suspension for four games must have involved at least one white Russian.  In which case, I fully appreciate leaving him on as your active kicker out of some twisted tribute for The Dude. However, if Prater was hitting something less exciting, like beer or whiskey sours, then what the f*ck, Big Gronks?? The only other explanation is that you were too busy bowling or beating up nihilists to bother with your roster for this week, in which case, free pass.  Anyway, The Gronks didn’t end up needing Prater to come out with a decisive victory over the Crew Sluts this week, getting great numbers from Cutler, Maclin, Spiller and Murray.  Maclin’s 4th quarter explosiveness was excellent, and somewhat surprising given the concerns about his ACL.  On the other side of the field, Crew Sluts’ Larry Fitzgerald had a disappointing evening. Yahoo writes, “When asked about Larry Fitzgerald's one-catch night, Carson Palmer said you "just don't want to force balls to him."”.  Indeed.

The Sluts had okay production from Roddy White, Peterson, and Johnson, but Peterson’s threat level works against him some nights, as the Rams were zeroed in on stopping his production in the end-zone.  Of potential concern is the Sluts WR/RB bench party which no TEs, QBs, Ks or DEFs were invited to.  Or maybe it’s tactics. The Sluts could have adopted ‘The Dude Abides’ life philosophy for injuries and bye weeks.  Just, y’know, let ‘em happen, man.  I guess this strategy could go one of two ways:

1. The Stranger: The Dude abides. I don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals.
2. The Dude: God damn you Walter! You f*ckin' asshole! Everything's a f*ckin' travesty with you, man! And what was all that sh*t about Vietnam? What the F*CK, has anything got to do with Vietnam? What the f*ck are you talking about?

Call outs:

Manager of the Week: Suicidal Bunnies - A well drafted team firing on all cylinders, as long as this team stays healthy, they are going to be a threat.  

Manager of the Weak: The Crew Sluts – I think Kenny can be slightly excused as he was a victim of circumstance, however Matt’s decision to throw Fleener’s low-projected tucus on to this week’s roster, without any other options in bench positions other than WR and RB is worrisome. To quote Walter Sobchak, “Am I Wrong? Am I Wrong??” (Wednesday Edit:  Crew Sluts ended up grabbing a TE, so, yes Walter, I am wrong. Shut up.)